the biting truth


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

fat girl teeters

The fat girl has worked out three times this week. In a row. No slacking off. This week.

I have also followed the diet plan four days in a row. Six small meals a day. One carb. One protein. Vegetable twice a day. Simple. Right?

And, I feel good. But also teetery. [Is that a word?] I feel like I am on a pinnacle, balancing health and gluttony. I desperately hope health wins.

F.R.E.E.D.O.M. freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm................. May this be MY day!

Monday, October 19, 2009

power of freedom

Freedom is.... not being able to do what you want to do, but rather to have the power to do what you need to do.

I am on a quest for freedom. I found it ironic, or perhaps providential] that Sunday's lesson at church was on Freedom. Actually, it was on Financial Freedom. But during the intro my pastor gave the above definition of freedom. The definition rang loudly in my desperate ears. FREEDOM.

Freedom is not being free to eat whatever food I want and still loose weight. Freedom is having the power to NOT eat those foods. Freedom is not sitting on the couch and expecting a fit figure. Freedom is having the power to get up off that darn couch and exercise. Freedom is not finding comfort in a bag of m'n'ms; freedom is having the power to find comfort in the One and Only True God, who calls himself the God of All Comfort.

I want this freedom. Not freedom to do what I want, but rather to have the power to do what dad-gum-needs-to-be-done! Where do I find that power? I do not believe it indwells inside me alone. The power to get things done comes from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. [Acts 1:8]. God supplies the power I need to be free. Not free to do whatever I want. But, simply, freedom to do what needs to be done.

Lord, set me free!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

the fat girls smiles until she cries

The fat girl smiles. And she does. At her skinny neighbor who works out religiously. She smiles at her slightly overweight husband who just announced he's lost five pounds on the same diet she's been blowing the past two weeks. The fat girl smiles at her fat sister who eats the Reese's Candy bar in front of her, knowing the fat girl is trying to avoid said candy bar. The fat girl smiles at the cashier at Chick-Fil-A as she buys things that are not on the diet. Oh yes, the fat girl smiles.

But I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of being fat, but the effort to be skinny seems oh, so scary.

My husband and I have started a diet program called "Body for Life". It is a strict diet of carbs and protein every three hours combined with an exercise regime worthy of Biggest Looser. Husband is excited about it all and I am stumbling to keep up. Part of the problem for me is that we have only half way "started" the program. The first week we didn't have all the weights we needed so we skipped the bulk of those work outs. Week Two [this week], we ran out of time [and energy] to do all the work outs, so they've been dropped again. And, on my end, I have not followed the diet this week, either. Unfortunately, I am a "all or nothing" kind of girl. Muddling through the program half-way feels like I'm doing nothing.

I find I don't really want to do it. I don't want to eat the same food from the Approved Foods List every day, six times a day. Boring! I don't want to lift weights and do squats until it hurts to take a step. That is not fun!

But, on the other hand, it's not fun to be FAT!! Smile or no smile, being fat is awful!!

I guess I need to hate being fat more than hate the work and pain of dropping the fat.

Also, the whole thing seems so huge and overwhelming. At this point, I weigh in at a whopping 270 pounds. Gag. That is how much I weighed with my last pregnancy! It has been a year since I had that baby. I should have lost at least 50 pounds by now. Instead, I'm at the same weight. I have lost ten pounds about three times, only to gain it back each time. [So, guess, in a weird, twisted way, I've "lost" 30 pounds....]

I wish I could take a pill and make it all go away. Go away, go away! Like a mean little bully on the playground, the darn fat sticks around no matter how much I despise it.

Lord, save me from myself!