the biting truth


Thursday, October 15, 2009

the fat girls smiles until she cries

The fat girl smiles. And she does. At her skinny neighbor who works out religiously. She smiles at her slightly overweight husband who just announced he's lost five pounds on the same diet she's been blowing the past two weeks. The fat girl smiles at her fat sister who eats the Reese's Candy bar in front of her, knowing the fat girl is trying to avoid said candy bar. The fat girl smiles at the cashier at Chick-Fil-A as she buys things that are not on the diet. Oh yes, the fat girl smiles.

But I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of being fat, but the effort to be skinny seems oh, so scary.

My husband and I have started a diet program called "Body for Life". It is a strict diet of carbs and protein every three hours combined with an exercise regime worthy of Biggest Looser. Husband is excited about it all and I am stumbling to keep up. Part of the problem for me is that we have only half way "started" the program. The first week we didn't have all the weights we needed so we skipped the bulk of those work outs. Week Two [this week], we ran out of time [and energy] to do all the work outs, so they've been dropped again. And, on my end, I have not followed the diet this week, either. Unfortunately, I am a "all or nothing" kind of girl. Muddling through the program half-way feels like I'm doing nothing.

I find I don't really want to do it. I don't want to eat the same food from the Approved Foods List every day, six times a day. Boring! I don't want to lift weights and do squats until it hurts to take a step. That is not fun!

But, on the other hand, it's not fun to be FAT!! Smile or no smile, being fat is awful!!

I guess I need to hate being fat more than hate the work and pain of dropping the fat.

Also, the whole thing seems so huge and overwhelming. At this point, I weigh in at a whopping 270 pounds. Gag. That is how much I weighed with my last pregnancy! It has been a year since I had that baby. I should have lost at least 50 pounds by now. Instead, I'm at the same weight. I have lost ten pounds about three times, only to gain it back each time. [So, guess, in a weird, twisted way, I've "lost" 30 pounds....]

I wish I could take a pill and make it all go away. Go away, go away! Like a mean little bully on the playground, the darn fat sticks around no matter how much I despise it.

Lord, save me from myself!


Alicia said...

Hey Stranger! I have been MIA a little bit lately too! My diet is coming along...obviously not like I want it too. This week has been rough and since I have to go out of town this weekend its been hard to stick with it. I guess I am going to hop back on the wagon on Monday. I hope you have a great weekend!

April said...

I know how you feel about "all or nothing."

Man, losing weight really sucks. I mean, once you get there it's great - but getting there really sucks. I've hovered around 190lbs for freakin three months and I have the LAP BAND. Ugh.

*~Roxy~* said...

I am in a very similar boat... I am trying to lose weight, I weigh around what you do and I hate dieting... But if you want or need any support, please follow my blog too. thedietfairy dot blogspot dot com.

Ally said...

I stumbled upon your blog and just read this entry and cried :( I've struggled my entire life, girl. You are not alone. We're all there. I don't even have any kids to blame for my weight gain. I'm just a fatty fat. My husband dropped 30 lbs just by cutting back on beer. Everyone raves about how great he looks. He went from a 40 jeans to a 36 and I gained 30 lbs in one year. I work out religiously believe it or not. Like an hour of cardio every other day. I am good from the time I wake up until like 3, then it's just downhill from there. Sorry to babble. I'm probably going to order some fattening Chinese food now for dinner. Just got back from the gym by the way :(