the biting truth


Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas with the Fat Girl

Wow. I really appreciated all of your comments, Ladies. [I assume you're all ladies, even the anonymous postings. I guess you could be men... but I doubt it.]

Here's what I think about WW. I think it is the most realistic weightloss approach out there. That said, I also believe that any diet will work if you follow the program. Ultimately it comes down to how many calories you consume verses how many calories you burn. Duh, right?

What I like about WW is that they don't teach a "diet" as much as they teach a lifestyle. The ugly truth is that we were not created to eat whatever the crap we want to eat and be skinny. Most skinny people watch what they eat. Many of those skinnies exercise religiously. Sad, but true, fellow fatties. We cannot sit around, eat chocolate and chips and cheese and expect our bodies to not get bigger and bigger.

Christmas came and went. I had planned to follow the healthy lifestyle plan all day. That lasted for about thirty minutes and two mini candy bars before I declared it a "free day". A day minus counting points and worrying about what was good for me and what wasn't good for me. I just wanted to enjoy Christmas. So, I did. But my stomach hurt all day long. Plus I had a raw ache of guilt in my gut all day. Really wonderful.

It comes down to this for me. I want to eat the crap. I want to eat chocolate. And, not just a little bit of it. Not just three points worth. No, no. I want to eat it ALL!! Give me a pound of chocolate covered peanuts and I'll down those suckers. That's my problem, Ladies. My Big, Fat Problem.

But now I've mumbled my way through another post. I promise some more fluent and understandable posts down the road. For now, my Internet is out and my thoughts are mushy.

Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

how about weight watchers

I'm watching The Biggest Looser. Final Four. I can only imagine how that show/program would change my life. There are some awesome things about that show, and some things I don't quite agree with. But, I'm not going to go there right now.

Body For Life is gone. Now, I am doing Weight Watchers. Again. Week Four this week. I've lost 8.2 pounds in three weeks. Tracking my points, etc. I am trying, once again to change my life. We are eating healthy and I am writing down everything.

I have not given up.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

fat girl teeters

The fat girl has worked out three times this week. In a row. No slacking off. This week.

I have also followed the diet plan four days in a row. Six small meals a day. One carb. One protein. Vegetable twice a day. Simple. Right?

And, I feel good. But also teetery. [Is that a word?] I feel like I am on a pinnacle, balancing health and gluttony. I desperately hope health wins.

F.R.E.E.D.O.M. freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm................. May this be MY day!

Monday, October 19, 2009

power of freedom

Freedom is.... not being able to do what you want to do, but rather to have the power to do what you need to do.

I am on a quest for freedom. I found it ironic, or perhaps providential] that Sunday's lesson at church was on Freedom. Actually, it was on Financial Freedom. But during the intro my pastor gave the above definition of freedom. The definition rang loudly in my desperate ears. FREEDOM.

Freedom is not being free to eat whatever food I want and still loose weight. Freedom is having the power to NOT eat those foods. Freedom is not sitting on the couch and expecting a fit figure. Freedom is having the power to get up off that darn couch and exercise. Freedom is not finding comfort in a bag of m'n'ms; freedom is having the power to find comfort in the One and Only True God, who calls himself the God of All Comfort.

I want this freedom. Not freedom to do what I want, but rather to have the power to do what dad-gum-needs-to-be-done! Where do I find that power? I do not believe it indwells inside me alone. The power to get things done comes from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. [Acts 1:8]. God supplies the power I need to be free. Not free to do whatever I want. But, simply, freedom to do what needs to be done.

Lord, set me free!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

the fat girls smiles until she cries

The fat girl smiles. And she does. At her skinny neighbor who works out religiously. She smiles at her slightly overweight husband who just announced he's lost five pounds on the same diet she's been blowing the past two weeks. The fat girl smiles at her fat sister who eats the Reese's Candy bar in front of her, knowing the fat girl is trying to avoid said candy bar. The fat girl smiles at the cashier at Chick-Fil-A as she buys things that are not on the diet. Oh yes, the fat girl smiles.

But I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of being fat, but the effort to be skinny seems oh, so scary.

My husband and I have started a diet program called "Body for Life". It is a strict diet of carbs and protein every three hours combined with an exercise regime worthy of Biggest Looser. Husband is excited about it all and I am stumbling to keep up. Part of the problem for me is that we have only half way "started" the program. The first week we didn't have all the weights we needed so we skipped the bulk of those work outs. Week Two [this week], we ran out of time [and energy] to do all the work outs, so they've been dropped again. And, on my end, I have not followed the diet this week, either. Unfortunately, I am a "all or nothing" kind of girl. Muddling through the program half-way feels like I'm doing nothing.

I find I don't really want to do it. I don't want to eat the same food from the Approved Foods List every day, six times a day. Boring! I don't want to lift weights and do squats until it hurts to take a step. That is not fun!

But, on the other hand, it's not fun to be FAT!! Smile or no smile, being fat is awful!!

I guess I need to hate being fat more than hate the work and pain of dropping the fat.

Also, the whole thing seems so huge and overwhelming. At this point, I weigh in at a whopping 270 pounds. Gag. That is how much I weighed with my last pregnancy! It has been a year since I had that baby. I should have lost at least 50 pounds by now. Instead, I'm at the same weight. I have lost ten pounds about three times, only to gain it back each time. [So, guess, in a weird, twisted way, I've "lost" 30 pounds....]

I wish I could take a pill and make it all go away. Go away, go away! Like a mean little bully on the playground, the darn fat sticks around no matter how much I despise it.

Lord, save me from myself!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i am so flat

"You're flat," he told my sister.

"What?" she said.

"Flat.. Right here," my five-year-old son waved his hand over my sisters belly.

He was trying to use his new word, "fat".

You see, "fat" is a bad word around our house. Actually, it is simply a word we don't say. Unless we're talking to each other. Two fatties. Otherwise, the word is off limits. We don't say the caterpillar is fat. We don't say that man is fat. We just don't say "fat".

My son learned the word fat when my hubby slipped up [he is not really aware of our unspoken word. He's not fat.] and called the dog "fat". Son tried the word out with his aunt. [While, he was trying to use the new word. Flat versus fat.] She didn't like it.

So, Son and I had a talk about fat. About being fat. And saying fat. [Not flat.]

"See, Honey, Mom's fat." I confessed, ashamed.

He studied me. My rolly belly. My huge boobs. Yes, I was, undeniably fat.

"Why are you fat, Mommy?"

Time for raw honesty. I took a deep breath. "Because I eat too much and don't exercise enough." There, I said it. I felt so ashamed. Now, he knew.

"I'm not fat," he said.

"No, praise God, you're not."

"You wanna know why?"

"Pray tell, why?"

" 'Cause I go like this," he said and pumped his arms up and down in the air. "I go like this whenever I'm watching TV. I exercise!" Then he proceeded to exercise his way all around the kitchen and the dining room and the living room. Yes, I suppose, that is one wonderful reason why he is not fat. Like his mother.

So, now my oldest knows his mother is flat, er, fat.

Monday, July 27, 2009

what i mean... for now

I am back in the groove. I've been on vacation for several weeks. And when I say vacation, I mean I vacationed from everything. And when I say everything, I mean I quit eating healthy and ate whatever I wanted. And when I say whatever I wanted, I mean I ate the whole, frigging back of mini-snickers! And when I say the whole, frigging bag of snickers... well, that's exactly what I mean!

But! [And that's a big BUT!] I am DONE with that. [Well, for now. Being realistic about my record... only life will tell if I am truly done.. but I can say for now.]

I like to say I am doing "healthy living" right now. I don't want to pay WW $40 bucks a month when I already know all the things I need to do to loose weight. Yeah, yeah, just because I'm a fat girl doesn't mean I lack knowledge. It is not a matter of knowing; it's a matter of doing.

Me, the hubby and my sister are being accountable to each other and our commitment [for now] to healthy living. We drew up some weight loss charts and everything. Aren't we cool? I lost three pounds our first week. Not bad. Beats gaining.

Anyway, back to the groove of healthy living.

PS Thanks for the support guys. It really blesses me.

Monday, July 6, 2009

not me monday post

Well, it's been awhile... but what the heck, why not!!

It's not me Monday and here's what I have not done this week:

It was not me who has been sneaking candy bars from my mother-in-law's cabinet. I am a way better house guest than that.... It is not me who waits until everyone is in bed sleeping before creeping into the kitchen and helping myself to her goodies... Not me.

It is not me who is terrified of facing the music after vacation. Not me who is dreading stepping on those darn scales in a few weeks and seeing the harsh reality of sneaking candy and eating junk food.

It is not me who doesn't believe her husband when he whispers "you're so sexy" into my ear. I do not think "he's so lying" before sweetly saying, "thanks, babe". It is not me who pretends to be skinny when he kisses me. Not me. I am so in touch with reality.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

give me that remote!

I find myself pausing on the fat battle. I took the remote and pressed pause.

Life is too busy right now; too complicated with many other issues that have pushed weight loss down on the priority list.

It feels good and bad to have paused weightloss. I feel relieved to not be worrying over it right now. But, I don't have the feeling of peace that "at least I'm doing something about this fat".

My plan is to go on full attack mode at the end of July. Life should be easing up a bit by then and I think I can bring weightloss up towards the top of my priority list again. My plan of attack is two fold. Weight Watchers for the food aspect and more YMCA challenges for the work out aspect. Good plan. We all know the hard part is not the plan. It is the work of putting the plan into motion.

We'll see. I'm keeping my fat fingers crossed.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Is it too late to start over?

I bought "The Biggest Loser" book in hopes of it being my magic pill. We'll see. I'm also contemplating joining WW as a good boost into weightloss.

I'm tired. Tired of being fat. Fat and tired.

Friday, June 5, 2009

the see-saw

I loose five, gain two. Loose three, gain one. Gain one. What a ridiculous up and down.

But, I'm not quiting. I'm pressing on. Really, I am. I've lost nine pounds in ten weeks. Nothing dynamic, but not too terribly shabby either.

I'm going away for six weeks. My fat sister and I are competing to see who can loose more weight in the next six weeks. I hope I come in a close second with a weight loss of over six pounds. Then, we both win.

Note to self: freezing the cookie dough does not make it un-edible. Oops.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

the fat girl looses something up her rear

The fat girl kicked butt at her kickboxing class!! Whew! Yeah, I DID!!

It totally rocked. What a great work out. I sweated. I was in pain. I smiled. I winced.

Oh, and something totally gross happened. So, if you don't find gross things funny, you ought to stop reading right now. I'm serious. Stop.

The kickboxing class is a great work out. You cannot help but really sweat. I was sweaty. Very sweaty. Sweating all over, in fact.

The perspiration worked itself into my underwear. And un-stuck my, er, pantie liner. With no place to go, the pantie liner hung out right on top of my undies... until I begin the front and back kicks. Then, to my extreme discomfort, it made its way to my butt crack! Yes, that's right. I had a pantie liner squeezed in between my butt cheeks. Quite uncomfortable.

Now, I had a few choices here. One, I could just go digging down my pants and pull it out [the usual pick-a-wedgie-move didn't work]. But then what would I do with it? Not to mention, watching someone dig around in their pants is a bit disturbing. I didn't want to do that to my new sweaty friends. Or TWO, I could excuse myself and go to the bathroom to take care of the problem. But I didn't want to do that and miss part of the class. Just for a lost and traveling pantie liner. My third option was to do my best to ignore the discomfort and press on.

I chose the last option. Yuck. Luckily the class was so difficult, it wasn't as hard as you would think to focus on the class and not the icky, stuck pantie liner. And, at some point it worked its way out. Somehow.

I hope you thought that was more funny than gross. I know I did. I totally thought of all you faithful readers during my pantie liner mayhem. I knew it would make a great post.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

what does it take???

It amazes me to be so disgusted with my fat and yet to be so pathetic in my attempts to loose it. If I really and truly hated being fat as much as I say I do, wouldn't taking it off be my number one priority? [I mean after God, husband, and kids... so my number four priority??]

How can I hate something so deeply and yet not really be committed to doing anything about it?

But I am committed to doing something about it. Darn it. I am exercising dad-gum four to six times a week!! [you can see I have a real bad potty-mouth...] Doesn't that count for something?? Apparently not! Because, here I am, over six weeks into "the challenge" and only down 7 pounds! ARGH!! Darn it! Dad-gum! FIDDLESTICKS!!

Sigh. Yeah. Yeah. I know the drill. "Just keep it up." I know the positives... Here, let me recite them for you:
  • my body is healthier even if it's not much smaller
  • my body is re-shaping itself, although it's still very fat
  • I have built muscle
  • I have made a habit of exercising
  • yadda, yadda, yadda

I am tired of being fat! What does it take around here to motivate a fat girl to take drastic measures to achieve weight loss??

Last night, I actually discussed some sort of surgery to get me some help in this area. I have never seriously considered this option. I have heard the failure rate for weight loss surgery is quite high. But, then again, ya know, only about 98% people who loose weight following a diet gain it back. Talk about a high failure rate!!

Argh. That's my crap unload for ya. Hope it didn't bring you down.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

finally hearing and trying to regain momentum

Last week was hard. I felt in the dark. Like the world was whirling around me and I could faintly hear the Lord calling my name.

Even when I couldn't feel the Lord, I could hear him. Was I stopping to listen? No. You see, I was much too busy for that. And so I plodded along, weary and tired and overwhelmed.

I am stopping now. Stopping to listen. I am nothing apart from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I know, it sounds so cliche and cheesy, but it is truth. We are created to be in relationship with God. When we are not in that relationship or our relationship is weakened, we just don't "feel" right.

Eating.... eating could be better. My "free day" last week turned into a free week. Sigh. Huge sigh. Oh well. I still worked out at the YMCA, but I'm pretty sure I didn't loose any of this blasted weight. I didn't even have the heart to weigh in on Monday. I didn't want to see what I already knew.

Trying to get back on the momentum train of healthy living this week. I'm by-passing junk food and reaching for the good-for-me-food. Lord, give me strength!

Monday, April 27, 2009

un-measurable success

The scales should not define victory. So why do I care so much? Why do I look to the scales to tell me "how well I did" this week? All the energy, all the effort, all the sweat cannot be measured on the scales.

After my week on the healthy train, I lost about 2.5 pounds. It is a good weightloss. And yet, it is hard to not be disappointed. I feel like after all the effort I have put forth this week, I should have lost at least ten pounds. OK, fine, at least five.

{But, I didn't weigh in last week [didn't feel like facing a gain] so, it is possible I did loose more, but it didn't show up. }

Who cares. I lost 2.5 pounds. OH yeah, I also "went" 35.5 miles total last week. That is really a success right there!! This fat girl rode and walked a total of 35.5 miles. I think that's just darn incredible.

And, unmeasurable success? Well, that is how I feel inside about living healthy. I feel good. My life is turning in this arc of health and I look towards my future with optimism and hope.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

playing the game....tag, you're it!

Alicia tagged me!! Yea!! I get to play along... Here goes:

Here's the rules: mention the person that tagged you. check!
Complete the lists of 8's. on it!
Tag 8 of your wonderful blogger friends. who do i want to tag??? mmm....
Go tell them you tagged them! here we go!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. weighing in on Monday
2. working out today [gasp! I can't believe I'm looking forward to that!]
3. the day when eating healthy comes naturally
4. the day when I can ride a real bike for ten miles
5. being able to wear a bikini and totally rock it out!
6. weighing less than 200 pounds
7. being an example of good health to my children

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. ate ten points more than my allotted amount
2. rode a freaking bike for ten miles
3. wrote down everything I ate [even when I knew I was eating too much]
4. planned out my cheat day [come on, Tuesday!]
5. blogged about being fat
6. wore a tank top that was a tad too small
7. realized my ankles are very chubby
8. wore a non-supportive bra to the YMCA... it was a very jiggly day....

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. create my own gym inside my home
2. work out every day with a kill-all trainer
3. look sexy when I work out
4. eat whatever I want and still be skinny
5. be perfect
6. have everybody like me
7. be on the computer all day without feeling guilty about neglecting my housework, husband and children

8 Shows I Watch:
1. American Idol
2. FRIENDS [yes, I watch the re-runs... I just can't get enough; it's my guilty pleasure]
3. Ace of Cakes [food network]
4. Extreme Cake Challenge
5. Joyce Meyers "Everyday Living"
6. TODAY Show
7. Lie to Me
8. Law and Order SVU

Look below to see who I tagged [in no particular order]:
[I am sure some of you have been tagged recently, but I had to add you to the list anyways. FYI I would have also tagged Alica and Serenity, my girls, but they have already played.]

Jenn[ifer] {she's already been tagged by someone else; go read her list!}
Jessi Dawn
Aunt of 14 {she's already been tagged, too... but go read her list!}

Saturday, April 25, 2009

ten miles but no magic

Yesterday I went TEN MILES on the stationary bike at the YMCA. Wow. I wow myself.

I did the Dragon Chase game, my favorite thing to do these days [work out wise, I mean. Hee-hee]. I went 5.85 miles on the bike while playing the game. [It is a simple concept; you collect a green coin and then find a green dragon. Each color is a different amount of points. The more dragons you collect, the higher your points. And, consequently, you end up bicycling miles and miles.]

After pushing myself to go 5.85 miles in 20 minutes, I decided to try another one of the "bike trails" program the preppy new bike offers. I did a route that was four miles. Made it just under 20 minutes. [Then, just to hit ten miles total, I biked about .15th of a mile.]

I can hardly believe that ME, the fat girl, can accomplish such a feat. Heck, I weigh 264 pounds!! [Last we checked, hopefully, it's less than that now.... We'll find out Monday!!]

After riding for 10 miles, I felt like a skinny girl. A fit girl. A sexy girl.

Then, I looked in the mirror. Not a skinny girl. Not a fit girl. Still fat. Still flabby. Still have a huge belly.

It feels like that ten mile ride should transform me into skinny girl. Sigh.

It's not magic. Just hard, hard work.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

joining the walk down memory lane

Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane

Come for a walk with me down Memory Lane!
And if you have a "Memory Lane" post, head on over to Scottsville to join in on the fun!

I checked out Serenity's blog this morning and read a hilarious post about her son's, um, er, favorite appendage. She joined the new meme at the Scottsville blog where you "walk down memory lane". I thought it was too much fun to pass on, so here goes.... racking my brain, racking... [slight pain from all the racking...] OK. Got one; here goes!

I am terrified of geese.

When I was a little girl my dad raised a couple of geese in our backyard. They are mean birds. One Sunday morning, my dad asked Big Brother and me to take the garbage out to the alley. We had to walk through the geese's domain; the backyard.

I was already in my Sunday dress and my pretty white tights. But I was a brave little girl and Big Brother promised to keep me safe. So, off we trotted, garbage in hand.

Half way through across the yard, the larger of the two geese thrust his neck out, flapped his wings and charged at the two children invading his territory. I screamed, Big Brother hollered and we broke into a bolt, hoping frantically to reach the gate by the alley.

Ignoring the gate, Big Brother sailed over the fence and landed in safety. Being one year younger [and a very dainty little girl] my sailing over fences ability was minimal at best My foot got stuck in the fencing.

"OUCH!" the rest of the story is a blur to me. My butt hurt. My pretty tights were torn. And now I hate geese.

OK, so I hope that was a good walk down memory lane. I really do hate geese. My husband thinks it's funny; but please, keep the geese away.

my cheezy analogy and a little hoo-hoo

It is Day Four of living life on what I have dubbed "the healthy train". [Can you hear me blow the whistle? Hoo-hoo!]

I like the healthy train analogy. It gives me momentum. I'm on it and I'm not stopping off at the un-healthy eating station. Or the "I'm too tired to exercise" station. I am on the healthy train, headed towards a better life of health and wholeness.

Hoo-hoo! Watch out; I'm on the healthy train! Wanna jump on board? Let me hear ya; hoo-hoo!

[Yeah, yeah, it's a tad cheezy and maybe a little lame... but for this fat girl, some how, it helps me. What can I say?]

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

hoping for an un-fat day on the healthy train

I actually had one full day on the healthy train yesterday. One. Full. Day. [You know I have a serious problem when I celebrate being on the program 100% for one day.]

I decided to start journaling my food and keep track of points. I did WW for about two years in my pre-marriage life, so points are what I know. Don't ask me how many calories or fat grams are in a dish, I have no idea! But I can look down a buffet line and have a pretty exact knowledge of how many points each item adds to the menu. Yeah, I'm that good. Wink-wink.

I do have one question for you.... If I am up at midnight with a baby.... And I have a [healthy] snack...... Do I count that as yesterday or today? Hummm... Good question, isn't it?

Alicia commented that it is "hard to follow through" and that rang so true inside of me. Ever since I was a fat teenager, I would lie in bed at night and make promises to myself about the following day. Promising myself I would eat healthy and do some sort of exercise tomorrow. You know, I am an honest person and I don't break my promises. Except to myself. I have broken so many. It is hard to follow through.

But, I do not want to sink into a melancholy mood this early in the morning. So, I'm going to focus on the good stuff.

I worked out twice yesterday. There is an added challenge to the YMCA challenge; how far can you go in a week? I went three miles on the elliptical [aka the killer machine] and six miles on the bike. Not bad for one day. Not bad for a fat girl.

Now, let's go and have an un-fat day!

Friday, April 17, 2009

self sabotaging the fat girl

Why can't I end the day the way I begin it?

My resolutions run high and my will power is strong when the morning sun awakens me. [Or, when my children awaken me...] I feel like I can conquer the world. In the very least, conquer the darn stash of hidden chocolate.

The killer work outs remind me to not eat junk and the morning rushes about me, very much under control.

Lunch sneaks up on me, but I am still committed to good eating. As the evening approaches, my will power begins to dissolve. DISSOLVE. Like an alka seltzer dropped into a cup of water. The dinner plate grows into twice what I ate for breakfast. Then the kids go to bed and I start to snoop around the kitchen for anything and everything.

Since my will power has dissolved, nothing stops me from eating. In a matter of a few hours, I undo what I worked so hard to do all day. I nullify my own efforts. Is this called self-sabotage?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

one pound's thoughts

Back up to 264. I gained a pound. I knew I would. When one eats junk, one gains. Yeah, yeah.

It is hard to not feel incredible discouragement. Hard to not feel that the past two weeks have been a waste since I am back where I was two weeks ago.

But, I'm not back where I was, except with my weight. I can do much more physically. The things Mike, the personal trainer, has us doing... well, it shocks me that I can do it! I never thought I'd be able to do a squat, stay squatted and half-squat across the room. Amazes me. I amaze me. That is totally cool.

I am going to keep trucking along. Push through. I am going to work really hard this week, hoping to loose three pounds. Going to really watch what I eat and keep it healthy. Refrain from those "well just this once" treats and instead reach for fruit or veggies. Work my butt off [hopefully, literally!]

I'll keep ya posted.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

resurrection by Nicole Sponberg describes ME

I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say.
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place.
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold?
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind,
I've used up my strength and there's nothing left to give.
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core.
I can't fake it anymore.
Here I am; at the end.
I'm in need of resurrection.
Only You can take this empty shell
and raise it from the dead.
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again.
You speak and all creation falls to its knees.
You raise your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea.
You have a way of turning winter to spring.
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering.
Here I am; once again.
I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead.
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You take the pieces in Your hands
and make me whole again.

chocolate does not heal the sadness

I ate the last of the chocolate-topped rice krispie treats. And when I say "the last", I mean the last TEN pieces. Ten big pieces. And the last of my favorite Hershey mini bars. The frosted cookies and frosted mini-cupcakes don't matter to me. Let them sit on my counter, for all I care. But, chocolate? If it's in my house and I know about it... it is a loosing battle. The addiction still holds me.

Going another direction tonight [away from the chocolate binge]... I have a friend who does not want to really be my friend anymore. She once told me I could trust her. That she would be loyal to me. Over a year later, she has withdrawn her hand of deep, loyal friendship and now extends to me a hand of acquaintance. Deep sighs expel my discouragement. I miss my friend. I am hurt that my friend no longer wants an intimate relationship with me. I hate it that I let her in.

She is a huge advocate of Thin Within [the non-diet diet I was promoting on my blog a few months ago]. I have decided TW is not the all-answer I thought it was and have moved onto another plan of attack against my weight issues. My friend has not. She thinks if she can just get into TW enough; if she can just really have faith in God; if she can just......... blah, blah, blah.

I feel like our friendship is contingent on TW. Like she doesn't want to be my friend unless I am doing that specific diet plan. Isn't that weird? Here's the thing: TW says it is the only right way to loose weight. That all other ways are not pleasing to God. Now, I bought that for awhile. [Oh, I can just hear you all gasping!! It does sound awful when I put it that way, but, truly, that's what it says!] So, my friend thinks I am sinning by eating healthy [she would call it dieting] and exercising to loose weight. TW says you should just pray and ask God to help you loose weight. Apparently, our friendship exists only when I am following TW. Messed up, isn't?

And so my heart is sad. Sad to loose a friend. Sad that I have to be around her when I feel so mixed up inside. Sad that I let her into my heart and now must shut the door to it. Sad. Yep, that's me.

what if i gain???

I weigh in tomorrow. I am scared. I have eaten some crap this week and it just might show up on the scales.

If it does; so what? I will "start again" and go at it, gung-ho, to continue down the weight loss road. This is part of it, right? A birthday. A brunch with the girls. Easter goodies. What a week.

I'll keep you posted. Literally.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

the fat girl's Easter outfit and my look towards "later"

"This is the body you have, get over it and make the best of it!"

Yeah, I had to tell myself this in the dressing room today. See, I'm singing at church tomorrow for Easter and found out Thursday night that there was a dress code. My usual blue jeans and semi-dressy top would not do for performing a Sunday special. Sigh. Off I went to the wonderful local Dress Barn. That place rocks!! They have sizes 4 to 24. I love the way they divide the store between "petites" [i.e. normal size] and "womens" [i.e. fat girls].

I, of course, go to the right side of the store, Fat Girl Land, to do my shopping. I must admit, I was very overwhelmed. I had this image in my mind I wanted to fulfill. I wanted to look classy, but not like my mother. Slim and not fat. Pretty, but not overdone. Sexy, but not trampy. It was quite the challenge.

I grabbed about a dozen tops and four bottoms before Nikki, the sales lady, offered me a dressing room. She could see I would be there awhile.

I went through all the tops. This one was too big. This one too small. That one too trashy. That one to maternal. Sigh. I was very discouraged. Out of the dressing room I whirled. I eyeballed the racks and racks of clothing. Wasn't there anything that would magically transform my fat hips and belly into a modelesque figure?

"Can I help you?" Nikki was back. I liked Nikki. She was fat like me. Older like my mom. I needed a girlfriend and I decided Nikki would have to do.

"I need an Easter outfit. No black. No red."

The outfit we landed on is perfect. It took several more tries. A discarded floral skirt that I would love on another body and a sexy top I'll save for later remained in the full dressing room. I walked out with brown dress up cropped pants and a white, button-up blouse. The blouse has amazing sleeves that I totally love. Oh, yes, plus I bought some brown shoes.

I won't be skinny in my new Easter outfit. This fat body of mine is my realty. No outfit will change that. So, I have to work with what I got. A rolly polly belly, big boobs, and very jiggly thighs. What I got for now. Key word: "now". I am totally looking forward to "later".

Friday, April 10, 2009

did you hear that? something is screaming my name...

I stared at the gooey Easter Cadbury eggs today at Walmart. Stared at them long and hard. Really, really, wanted to buy a box. OK, several boxes. I gritted my teeth and kept walking.

I am opening my home to several families for Easter. I don't want anyone to be alone for Easter; I hate being alone on any holiday. Since no one invited us over, we decided to invite others.

So, I'm doing some cooking. I am making lamb since I want to remember the Lamb of God that was slain for my sins. Also, various other goodies.

One of my new favorite desserts is [are you ready for this??] peanut-butter-rice-krispie-treats with melted chocolate on top. Oh. It. Is. So. Good. YUM. I decided I would make it for "the kids" for Easter. The grown ups get peach cobbler [one of my hubby's favorite desserts]. Yeah, yeah, OK. The rice krispie treats are really for me. The kids are just a good excuse.

I have all the ingredients. Not that there are many. But I have them all. The bag of chocolate chips is on the counter. I want to tear it open and eat half the bag. Or, really, I want to make the rice krispie treats. Let's just eat them tonight! But, here's the problem. I know my weakness. I know I am weak. I don't trust myself to only eat one. Or, for that matter, only eat two. I just might eat the entire pan. I have before.

So. I am not making the krispie treats today. I will wait and make them tomorrow. Or, maybe even Sunday after church. The less time I have to snitch the whole pan away, the better.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

one other thing.........

P.S. Oh yeah, I lost one pound this week. Yeah, I know. Good job. Thanks.

four things i like and one i don't

Instructor Mike's assignment:

Name four things you like about yourself. [Or if you don't like anything, name the four you dislike the least.] Second, name only ONE thing you want to change about yourself. [Yes, you must narrow it down to only ONE.]

Here goes.

Four things I like about myself. Oh, gosh, well, [blush-blush] I love my gorgeous curly hair. Everyone who knows me [in real life] always goes on and on about my curls. Oh, they're so beautiful. Tee-hee. OK. Next.

Number Two. Well......... Maybe my boobs. I mean, not everyone can have boobs as big as mine. I don't know if I would have picked out ginormous boobs if I was the one picking out boobs, but since those are the ones I got... well, I'd rather have humongo boobs than no boobs at all. So. Number Two: my boobs.

Number Three. My teeth. I have nice teeth, what can I say? They are naturally straight and only slightly off white. Not bad for a girl whose parent rarely afforded dental care. Not bad at all.

And last, but not least... I guess I like my pinkie toe. Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha. OK. For real. [Wow, four things. This is harder than I thought... what else? what else?? Could I say I like my uterus? I mean, it has carried four babies and that totally rocks, right? No, I don't think that counts. It has to be something on the outside... think, think...] OK. Got it. My eyes. I do get compliments on my eyes. Seriously. They are rather pretty. [Can you see me? I'm batting my eyes at you right now. Bat. Bat.]

Now for the easy part. What I don't like. Narrowing the list. Narrowing... Ah-ha! My top "don't like feature" would have to be my stomach. Ick. Yuck. Gross. And Ick again.

Instructor Mike insists we now make an action plan to fix the one thing we don't like [the most] about ourselves. He says, "Now that we know you don't like your ____, it's time to get off your butt and do something about it!" Yeah, yeah.

OK. So, Flabby Belly, we're onto YOU!! Here's the plan of attack. Keep going to the YMCA. I'm going to start doing daily abs work outs. [Even as I write that... I'm not sure I'll really do that... but it's a good idea.] I am not even, necessarily, going for flat abs. Just less flabby ones. Really.

OK. Did Instructor Mike's weekly assignment. Check that off the "to-do" list.

Friday, April 3, 2009

the @#$%^& morning work out!!!

Oh, I was such a bitch non-nice person this morning. Ack. Overly optimistic person that I am, I brightly suggested to the handsome hubby that we should just jog around the block instead of head off to the YMCA.

"Could we ride bikes?" he pleaded. There's a bit of history with the darn bikes. We invested about $300 into bikes and bike trailers last November. I have ridden my pretty bike about two times. The last time I road it some stranger made a rude comment while I drove by. That was fun.

But the husband is handsome. And I do want to be able to ride bikes with him. How romantic would that be? So, off we went.

It took all of one minute before I was huffing and puffing. Argh! Eight minutes later, my stupid weak wrists were burning in pain. Carpal Tunnel is a very non-fun condition.

See I have abdominal muscles that suck. They have carried four children and are loose and barely hold up my saggy belly fat. Requiring those wienie muscles to hold my body up so I don't have to support my weight on the handle bars just doesn't work. And then my wrists begin to hurt. And I get pretty bitchy cranky.

After the mile bike ride around the complex, we ditched the bikes and used our God-given ability to walk. Attempting to keep my heart rate at the "target heart rate" instructor Mike suggested, I actually broke into a jog. All two hundred and sixty-five pounds of me. Jogging. Wiggling. Jiggling. Such wondrous fun.

"Where did this come from?" not-out-of-breath-cute-husband asked me.

"Whatever." I replied curtly. He's lucky I didn't swear at him. I jogged until I couldn't stand it and then walked until I caught my breath. Jog. Walk. Jog. Walk.

Why am I such a bitch crank when I work out? Here's my evaluation: I am pissed off at myself for being so out of shape. Pissed. This is NOT who I want to be. I want to be able to jog a dad-gum-mile! I want to be able to ride the darn bike and not be winded two minutes into it. I am mad at my body.

Amazingly, the hubby thinks my bitchiness crankiness is sexy. Whatever.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

once upon a time there was a girl

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who loved her new body, despite it's 200 pounds. A girl who celebrated her weightloss by picking up things that weighed 100 pounds. She could barely lift what was once a part of her 300 pound body.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who grew to love to work out. Seriously. She got up every morning, pulled on the laid out exercise clothes, and woke her foggy brain with the early morning air. She jogged no matter the weather. Only if it was single digits [nine degrees or below] would she succumb to working out inside and then it was to TAEBO videos. This girl worked hard.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who conquered her addiction. A girl who learned to walk past the ice cream freezer and treat herself with a new bottle of nail polish instead of a pound of fattening food. A girl who could scope out an all-you-can-eat-buffet and know exactly how many WW points were contained in each dish.

Once upon a time this girl fell in love and got married. Her husband wanted to make love in the mornings so she began to skip her morning walks. [Who can deny the handsome prince charming?] Those morning [and afternoon and evening] "cuddle" sessions soon produced beautiful children. But the pregnancies proved to difficult and came so often her body didn't have time to recover. Old addictive behaviors snuck back and clung to her like an evil demon and food, once again, became her enemy.

Once upon a time the girl became a mother and self priorities were slowly pushed to the back burner. Needs became minimal and survival mode kicked in. Children took sleep in the night and the sunrise always came early. The mother grew heavier and heavier as the years flew by.

Once upon a time there was a mother. The mother had beautiful girls and boys. The girls and boys needed their mother to remember The Girl who had disappeared. The Girl who had committed herself to a life of health and vitality.

I can feel The Girl inside me. Walking out of the YMCA yesterday....... It was like that old Me, The Girl, reached out and touched me. It was a re-kindling in my inner self. The old feelings of owning exercise, of enjoying that work out time period, it all flooded my self and I breathed deeply the nostalgic thoughts.

Somehow, I must combine The Girl and The Mother. I do not want to be The Girl. She was selfish and immature. But, I do want to glean from her and learn from her. I want to remember her hopes and dreams and somehow, someway, unite them with who I am now.

To be continued............

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

the tip of the fatberg

I have started too many diets in my 29 years. Despite my best efforts to not relive those failures, they are there. Staring at me as I attempt, yet again to change my life.

I lost five pounds this past week. It's great. I am happy with the results But. I've lost five pounds before. Heck, I've just recently lost five pounds. And then gained five pounds. So, while loosing five pounds is great, it is not the end. This is just the beginning.

I ask myself, "will this really be it?" Will this be the time when my life really changes? For forever?

Oh, I so desperately hope it is. I know better than to even call this a diet. Diets don't work because diets begin and end. I don't want to ever quit eating this way. Healthy. Foods that are good for you. This is a lifestyle change; I get that. I do.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

deep in the thougths of an exercising fat gal

I had my first "aerobic/cardio" workout Friday night. Led by an incredibly skinny woman who was nauseously excited about exercise. These are the thoughts that ran through my mind during the tortuous one hour work out. Are you ready for this?


Am I the biggest one in here??

No, thank God, no. She's bigger.

That instructor's butt is so tiny. How did I end up right behind her?? Now everyone will see me when they are watching her...

Oh my word. There are mirrors everywhere. A wall full of mirrors?? Great. Just great.

So that's how I really look.


My stomach is even huger than I thought.

My head is so tiny compared to my body.


Yuck, look at the way my belly scrunches up when I raise my legs up. Ick. Hope no one else is looking at me.

Good thing I'm here; I obviously need to be.

PAINFUL! Muscles are screaming.

It's only been FIFTEEN MINUTES??

Why am I smiling?

Richard Simmons "Sweatin to the Oldies" flashbacks...

Do what?

Um, how do I get my body to bend like that?

Wow. I did not know I would sweat... there.


Don't cry, don't you dare cry.

Just walk out, Fat Girl, just walk out.

I can't quit. I won't.

Don't cry. Just do your best.

We're done? We're done!! I did it!! One hour of fat torturing, muscle inspiring exercise. I did it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

a goal for the fat girl [who is rocking the challenge]

The Challenge is ON!

It was incredibly scary to walk into the room Monday evening. But as soon as I walked in and saw the other wonderful fat people, I felt myself relaxing. They were nervous, just like me. They were fat, just like me. Well, most of them. I was a little surprised to see several skinny women. Goes to show you that even the skinny girls want to improve their body, too.

Last night was my first Challenge work out with the trainer. It was so fun, you guys!! I'm shocked at how much fun I had with the other women. I was the crazy one, cheering when it was time to stretch... Yep, that was ME. Hee-hee.

There are probably about 45 women and 5 men in the challenge. There will be a female winner and a male winner. I probably won't win. I heard some women talking about how they plan to work out two to three time A DAY! Um, I will not be able to do that. Plus, I want this to be a realistic part of my life. I have four kids. There is no way I will be working out three times a day. Heck, I will be doing phenomenal to work out ONCE A DAY! So, that is my goal. I want to do some sort of cardio work out six times a week. Sundays will be my day off.

My other goal is... deep breath here... to loose 29 pounds by the end of the Challenge. I weighed in [on the YMCA scales] at 269 pounds. [Although my home scales showed me at 266 pounds. But, whatever. We'll follow the YMCA scales through out this challenge and then revert back to my scales after the ten weeks are up.] Ten weeks to loose 29 pounds; I wan to weight 240 by the first week in June. That's roughly 3 pounds a week. I can do it!

Monday, March 23, 2009

off with TW and on with the challenge

It begins. Tonight is the beginning of The Challenge. Wow. Why does it make me so nervous? You know how many times I have "started over"? Oh, way too many. And here we are, again.

I have spent the past week binging on the "no-no list" of foods. Not that we've been given a list of foods. Yet. I am assuming we'll receive nutrition info at the meeting tonight. I have enjoyed bon-bons, brownies, shakes, pizza, burgers, fries, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Oh, did I mention chocolate?

My cheer leading for Thin Within program has dwindled down to nothingness. I don't want to discourage anyone taking that approach, but.... I have a few things I just disagree with. I'll leave it at that. To each his own. You do what you want to do; I'll do it the way I want to do. Okay-doke?

Off I go. [I know you'll all be anxious to read how things went... I'll try to get with it and post sometime soon....-ish.]

PS Thanks for your amazing support. So great of you all.

Friday, March 20, 2009

MIA and the coming challenge

Hey guys, I know I've been MIA lately, and I'm sorry. I am so crazy busy with family stuff I don't have time for the guilty pleasure of blogging. Sigh.

My challenge starts on Monday. I am SO nervous and scared. But, I'm excited, too!!

My sister is joining me on my adventure. I think it's awesome she wants to do this with me. My we both find life time success.

Speaking of that.... have you heard the stat that 95% of dieters REGAIN their weight? I hate that stat. Makes me feel like I shouldn't even try. But, I am going to keep on anyway!! Darn it; I'm going to be that FIVE PERCENT who stays skinny!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

not me monday

It's Not Me Monday over at MckMama's Blog. Where the truth is skewed into a wondrous list of what I really did NOT do this week.


It was not me who totally signed up for the YMCA "Lose to Win" Weightloss Challenge!! I did not interrogate the trim personal trainer named Mike before enlisting in the program. It was not me who point blank asked "will there be people... um, my size in the program?"

It was not me who actually enjoyed her morning work out this AM with the handsome hubby. I did not peddle "three miles" on the stationary bike and then head to the treadmill for another 15 minutes of workout. Everyone knows us fat girls don't' work out.

It was not me who won't buy more clothes in this yucky, huge size because I want to wait until I loose weight to buy more clothes. I wouldn't' do that. I'm a realist.

It is not me considered never eating again after continuous evenings of binging. I did not tell myself that I hate food. I did not wish that I was actually addicted to drugs instead of to food so that I could just quit cold turkey. It was not me who wished I could just quit food like an addicted quits drugs. I was not jealous of drug addicts. How insane would that be?

That's it, guys. Now you know my insane thoughts. Scary, huh?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

the fat girl challenge

I'm really having issues with the Thin Within program. The weight is just not coming off [quick enough]. I agree that I need to find healing; to find the "real" reasons why I overeat. I know that is truth. But I really want to do more in the "physical", so to speak, while I work on the "spiritual/emotional" side.

Speaking of the Y... They are doing this "Lose to Win" thing. I've been thinking about joining the challenge. Oh, it scares me to death. To think of putting myself out there for the world to see. OK, just for the YMCA world to see, but still. What if I'm the biggest person there? What if the rest of the "overweight" bunch are those who are trying to loose the "last ten pounds"? I guess, I'd win the contest. But, still. STILL!

The deadline to join the challenge is March 23rd. It costs $65. We could afford it, if we wanted to afford it. The details are vague. The flyer states that there are "prizes, incentives, meal ideas, nutrition tips, group meetings, etc." Big sigh from the fat girl.

What do you think? Oh, I know what you're going to say. You guys are all on the same note. "YOU CAN DO IT, FAT GIRL!" The fat girls smiles. Thanks, guys. Your positive comments are, well positively encouraging.

Friday, March 13, 2009

the fat girl works it out

OK. So, let's see how well I write with a baby on my lap. Here goes.

I hadn't been in the Y since August. We bought the membership January 2008. I was not intentionally one of the throngs of New Years Resolutioners. I joined because I needed moments of sanity in the midst of my mothering and I hoped the Y [with its childcare offer] would give that to me. It did. I loved it. Then I got pregnant and felt like crap. Working out became yucky and I quit. Also I grew weary of bundling up three kids, dragging them to the Y, unloading them, walking slowly into the building, signing them in... etc, etc, etc. Any excuse would do, those were the ones I held up as my "why I don't go" banner.

Then, on Monday, Hubby asked if I would go work out with him at the man gym [a.k.a. the base gym]. I tried to be polite as I scoffed, "what? work out at the gym where it's 98% buff men? I'm sorry, Honey, but no." The next day I asked about working out at the Y instead. He checked with his supervisor and that's how we ended up at the Y. At six am.

Anyway. I walked. Thirty minutes. It felt good. I did get bored after the first 15 minutes or so had to use creative thinking to make it through. Hubby wanted me to lift weights with him. I couldn't. I used to do that. Sixty pounds ago. He so wanted me to. All I could think about was how fat I am. How it would look to see this rolly-polly, fat, ugly body lifting weights. The athletic looking men crunching away didn't help. What if they think I'm fat? Wait, I am fat. But, I couldn't stand the thought of them secretly making fun of me. So, Hubby lifted weights alone. I loitered in the lobby. Chatted with Skinny Secretary. Read the bulletin board. Debated on joining the 5k. Ha.

OK. So, there's a solid post. Baby is fussing now. Must go. Bye.

titles of the missing posts... have time for titles, but not posts...

Yeah, thanks, I'm "fine", Serenity. Thanks for asking. You're sweet.

I have had several urges to post, but my many children have kept me away from computer/reflection time. Here's some titles of the missed-and-may-never-be-written-posts....

"I Hate My Body"

"I Worked Out at the YMCA Today"

"I Could Only Think About How Huge My Stomach Was During Sex With My Husband"

"I Am Terrified I Will Be Fat Forever"

"What's The Point?"

"Is the Thin Within Approach Right For Me?"

Yadda, yadda. So, see, while I might not have been "here", per say, I have still been thinking about all of you. Perhaps I will get a minute to sit down this weekend and share more than my titles. Until then... ya'll be good. Whatever that means.

Monday, March 9, 2009

not me monday

Monday, monday. Another round of Not Me! Monday thanks to the wild and crazy MckMama. Check it out here.


It was not me who bought two boxes of Girl Scout cookies, knowing my ability to consume the entire contents of said boxes. Not me.

It was not me who gained seven pounds last month. Not me who was in denial the whole month of February, convincing myself that my pants were looser... Wish it really was NOT ME.

It is not me who thinks about food while brushing her teeth at the end of the day. Not me who has to come to the sad realization that I won't be eating any more today. Wouldn't that be weird? Who does that??

It is not me who sadistically watches the infomercials of skinny girls with great abs. It is not me who snarls slightly while they jump pleasantly around the TV. Not me who simultaneously wants to be them and wants to kill them at the same time. Well, not kill them. That's too harsh. Perhaps just wish a twenty pound weight gain on them... Or not. Hee hee.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

it hurt to fall off the wagon today

I fell of the wagon today. I lost my "care" and threw it all away. I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted... You know, it really just started around 2pm. What happened?? I have been searching inside myself asking what flipped the switch today.

Yesterday was a hard day. I found out that a sweet young girl's husband left her a month ago. Out of the blue. He spent two tours in Iraq and has been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One month ago, my little friend came home to find her husband's things gone. She doesn't know where he is or what he is doing. He has called her twice. He says he still loves her but is afraid he will hurt her.

She told me this at another friend's baby shower. I was bowled over. Numb feeling. It rocked me inside and made me feel sick. Made me want to run home to my husband and feel his arms around me.

Perhaps this sadness swirled around and pushed me over to the food bar. I don't know.

I get Alicia over at her 2009 Weightloss Journey. I get being tired of the fat. I want it to magically disappear, too.

But it won't if I keep eating like I did from 2pm to 10pm today. Humongous SIGH. Did you hear it?

Friday, March 6, 2009

a fellow recovering addict

It is hard to be honest. People comment on my honesty. I try.

I have found another raw and honest blogger. Serenity over at Two Sides has a rough edge to her writings that cut to the heart. She draws me in every time I head to her blog. The first sentence is like a lure and I can't turn away until I finish her post.

She has a different addiction than me; but we get each other. I can tell. She feels like a friend, even though I have never met her. Go read her blog and let me know what you think. And let Serenity know what you think.

Good night, gals.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

from fat generation to fat generation; but the fat stops here

My mother is fat. Hugely fat. I think she weighs around 350 pounds or so. Maybe more. While I take responsibility for the choices that brought me to my weight problem, I certainly learned my coping mechanisms honestly.

I have many memories of watching my mother turn to food for comfort. One time she came home upset. I do not know what it was that really brought on her emotional crisis, but I will never forget what she did. I saw her staring at the fridge. Heaping her plate full of food. Celery. Chips. She was crying. Her plate was two, three inches high. She lumbered out of the kitchen, tears streaming from her face, and sat on the couch. I watched her eat the plate full of food while she cried. This is my most vivid memory of my mother's food addiction.

Of my mother's children, three out of the five of us are fat. Ironically enough, it is the three daughters that are overweight, not the two skinny sons. Isn't that interesting..... And now I am a mother of daughters and sons. My heart aches with the heaviness of my desire to not leave them with the same legacy my mother has left to me.

I remember my first binge in front of my kids. Actually, the first time was in front of my oldest. He was just a baby. He laid in the floor while I ate cookie after chocolate chip cookie. He studied his mother while she stuffed her face. I remember thinking, "He won't remember this... I won't ever do this again; it's the last time."

Sigh. Oh, that's heavy to me. And a scripture now pops into my mind. "There is now NO CONDEMNATION to those who are in Christ Jesus." I take that truth into my heart now. Father, forgive me for setting a bad example to my children, thus far. Thank you for the freedom you hold out to me and are saturating my life with right now. Thank you that my children WILL BE FREE, in the name of Jesus. That this addictions stops HERE, with ME. It is not allowed to drift down the line from this point forward. In the name of the mighty Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Now go have a great, FREE day!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

moving past the weight gain

I have done some soul searching the past few days. I have come up with the following truths:

1) [As you all have been so sweet to remind me] I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have realized that I do not believe that as I look in the mirror. I saw He's Just Not That Into You last night at the theatre. The love scene between two characters reminded me of the early days with my husband. While incredibly inappropriate and not what a Christian woman should be viewing.... it made me long for the days when I willing gave in to my husband's advances. When I felt beautiful and sexy and just let myself go during our love making. Whether I want to admit it or not.... my self esteem is limiting our sex life. He kisses me and touches me and my thoughts disrupt the romance. Sometimes, all I can think about is how fat I am... how can he love me? How can he want me? Does he wish I were different and how could he NOT wish I were different??? So..... obviously, this is an area I need to seek the Lord for freedom. I want to fully accept me, where I'm at, right now. This is my reality, flabby belly and all. I want to love me.

My darling does love me; he tells me all the time. He promises that he does not mind the rolls of fat; even says he loves exactly how I am. It is incredibly hard to trust that he is telling me the truth. [This may be TMI, but you don't know who I am anyway. So, it's OK, right?]

2) I also realized that I was adapting the TW program to my own. I was picking and choosing which aspects of the guidelines to follow, dismissing the ones I saw as unnecessary. Gaining weight this past month shows me that I need to commit more fully to the TW program.

3) Also, several of you supportive followers reminded me that it is not just about loosing weight; but also about my relationship with God. I have found another measure of freedom this past month. I have learned how to go through out my day without grazing all day long. That is a huge accomplishment! Now, I am applying that victory towards not eating in the evenings. I know I can do that, because God has helped me quite the unnecessary snacking through out the day.

4) Plus, I learned I need to eat healthier foods. TW says to eat whatever you want... but, I think I was taking that too far. I was eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for snack. Nutritionally, that's way too many calories. While there is "freedom" to eat whatever, I don't think it's the best for me. So, I am committing to saving the cake and other sweets for dessert. [Duh! Only a fat girl would need to be reminded of that!] No more sweets for a meal; only food that will bless my body.

There are other revelations that I'll share as time goes by, but I think this is enough for now. Thank you, all of you, for you support and encouragement. I move on, holding the hand of the Lord God Almighty. Deep breath... here we go.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

i'm darn fine, thanks

It is not true that my pants are looser. Not true that my bra fits better. Not true that my clothes are looking better on me. It has all been the effects of my great imagination and not my great weightloss.

Around 3am the toddler was up with her mommy, so I decided to go ahead and "weigh in". After all it was my self-imposed weigh-in date (March 1st), and three hours into the weigh-in date certainly counted as "the date". So, with the door closed, I dug out the scales from under the bathroom sink. Plopped them on the floor and stepped on the black judgement box. I wondered how much would I loose? Might I just stay the same? Well, that would be OK, too.

Since I can't see the scales while I'm standing on them due to my huge stomach and mega boobs, I just stared in the mirror while the scales judged me. After waiting the required 20 seconds [or so], I gingerly stepped off the scales. I about threw up then and there when I read the numbers 265. I weighed 257 on February 1st. I have gained seven pounds. GAINED.

Needless to say, I feel ..... lost today. I'm going to church feeling empty and full of anguish. Not just because of the weight gain, but because I do not like myself right now. And I am unsure as to where to go from here. Not that this is a different feeling for me; unfortunately, it is quite familiar.

"Hi YOU! How are you today?" they will ask me sweetly upon arriving at church.

Of course, I will smile fakely and reply, "Oh I'm FINE. Thanks. And you?"

And so the exchange will go. [Or, perhaps I should answer truthfully today. "I'm awful, thanks for asking. And how are you?????"]

Friday, February 27, 2009

bubble up the pain in my amazing childhood

I am humbled and amazed at the honesty and candor of my followers. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouraging me on this journey.

April mentioned that she had an "AMAZING childhood" in her comment on my previous post. [I like April, you should check out her blog. I love it. FYI] Since she had an amazing childhood, how could it possibly be the reason for her weight struggle?? What a great point.

Here's the thing, if you had asked me that last year, I would have said the same thing. [Not that I'm questioning the authenticity of April's childhood; it probably was amazing.] My parents are great people. They taught me and my siblings about Jesus Christ and his gift of salvation to all people. My parents "walked the walk", so to speak. Their relationship with Christ was real and still is real today. I know they love me and did their best raising me and my brothers and sisters.

That is one reason why it is so hard to admit the memories of hurt. They did not mean to hurt me. My mother had a hormonal imbalance. She would "loose it" sometimes. It was accepted in our family that that was "just mom". My dad learned to live with it and us kids were "vomited on", so to speak, every time my mother lost it. She would go days hiding in her room, unable to function.

Now, writing that, I can see the dysfunction in our family. But, growing up, that was "normal"; I didn't know this was not OK. As a mother of many children, I totally understand "loosing it". I get the intensity of stress. It has been hard for me to admit that my mother's behavior hurt me. I love her so much! I know she loves me and I believe she really and truly walks with the Lord. However, she is human and she made mistakes that shaped who I am today.

The Holy Spirit is like Hydrogen Peroxide; the Lord pours it on the wounds of our hearts. It bubbles out the ick so healing can begin. Part of the Thin Within program is allowing God into my heart. Surrendering the wounds; allowing myself to feel the pain of the wounds. It is hard, but we're doing it. God and me. I "went back" to those days where Mom acted like a child. I cried over the loss of my mother not being a mother in this area. I recognized that Jesus was with me, even during the pain. I gave Him my wound and hurt and asked Him to come heal my heart. And, you know what?? He did; he has! Praise God!

That was a few weeks ago. The past few days... well, let's just say His pouring more Hydrogen Peroxide on my heart. I can feel the bubbles bringing up another wound and I am really struggling to face it. Sigh. My heart cries out, "NO!" My spirit answers, "Surrender already!!"

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

my rain jiggles

So, it is obvious that I hate the fat. Who loves flab? We weren't meant to jiggle... [Well, maybe our rears were meant to jiggle. Isn't that supposed to be sexy or something? But not the belly. Definitely not the belly...] The struggle to get the fat off is long. And hard. No matter how you tackle the darn thing.

But the exterior of myself is nothing compared to the inner turmoil. The storm that rages and rains. Fat is like seeing the rain without seeing the storm clouds. Every time we see a fat person, it should be a clue that there was a storm somewhere in that person's life. Fat is the rain from my storm.

I rarely make it to the movies, but I did catch one the other day. Unfortunately, it was awful! It was "Mall Cop". I thought I would love it, but I so did not. I felt very made-fun-of throughout the movie. Fat people in general were the butt of the joke. Ick. At one point of the movie, the shy and backward mall cop heads to a party. There, he and the other fat boy had a nacho-eating contest. Because, you know, that's what us fat people do at parties. Every fat person wants to highlight their fatness and show off their pig out abilities.

There are things in my past that I have buried so deeply that I cannot see it for the layers of fat that cover it up. I smile blindly when you ask me about my childhood. Oh yeah, it was great. No, I was not screamed at. Oh, no that wasn't me. Yeah sure my mother said, "I wish you'd never been born"... but I know she didn't mean it so I am FINE. So totally and completely fine.

Pass the chocoalte, please.

Monday, February 23, 2009

the up-chuck option

After a week of the stomach bug floating around my house, I have given cause to consider bulimia as an option for weightloss. Now, I've been a fat girl for atleast 10 years and this is not the first time I consider vomiting as a weightloss tool. In my weakest and most desperate moments, I have even tried to gag myself.

I am not really into throw up, though. It is gross. Plus, my gagging efforts [years and years ago] were to no avail. I ended that session just sitting by the toilet crying over my food addiction. Since then, God, in his mercy, continues to show me the light at the end of the tunnel. Bulimia is not the answer. There is no freedom there; only more bondage.

And, truly, a week watching my kids throw up, cleaning puke off endless sheets, bathing the toddler at midnight, and then vomiting myself after a night of intense stomach aches... really doesn't make me want to jump on board the bulimia boat.

OK. So, I just read over my post and it's kind of gross. Sorry about that....

Here's something that frosts my cookies, though: Why is it that insurance will pay for treatments of bulimia and anorexia, but not overeating. I need help, too!! Basically, right now, I am treating my eating disorder with counseling. Reading the Thin Within material, is like self-counseling sessions. Well, counseling sessions with God... If I may be so forward. Also, several of my friends around here in fat girl land are reading the book, too. We are praying with each other and encouraging each other. That is muy importante.

Anywho. Cool to see 35 Followers down there. Feeling very followed. :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

the numbers drama

I am feeling very fat and stupid right now. I have gobbled up about a pound of green M&M's. Yes, green. Did you know the company put out solid green M&M's for Valentine's Day? Yea, there's something about the green ones... supposed to make one horny or some such silliness. Um, for me, I think they might just make me fat. Sigh.

Anyways. I thought I might blog about my weight history. Just to fill ya in. 'Cause, ya know, you guys really care about that kind of thing, right?
  • So you already know when I hit 200 pounds. That was around 16-years-old. Let's back up a little. My first diet. Sixth grade. I think I weighed about 145 pounds. My sister and I found a diet in a Woman's World magazine of my mother's. This was the first time I really became aware of calories and fat grams.
  • A year later, I weighed about 160 and my whole fat family joined TOPS [Taking Off Pounds Sensibly]. My mother lost 100 pounds [has since, I'm sorry to say, gained it back]; my father lost about 40 pounds [gained it back, plus more]; my brother lost about 25 pounds [still looks great]; my sister lost about 20 pounds [gained it back plus lots more]; and I lost about 20 pounds [um, DUH, gained it back plus lots-ish!]. I hit 143 at the end of our TOPS experience. That was my goal weight. I maintained it for about two weeks. Then, the whole family quit TOPS and we all got fat again.
  • It is truly a blur from 143 to 200 pounds. Somewhere from the eighth grade to tenth grade the pounds packed on. It was a very stressful time frame for my family, and I began to turn to food for comfort.
  • Went to a college. Gained about 20 pounds per semester. Left after about three years weighing about 280 pounds. Since college was stressful, and I ate when stressed... pretty easy to figure out why the pounds crept up.
  • Joined WW April 2002, weighing in at a whopping 300.8 pounds. Yep. My highest weight.
  • Ten months later, after following WW points program perfectly, I weighed 200 pounds. I was the happiest 200 pound person ever. 200 pounds felt skinny compared to 300 pounds.
  • Lost another eighteen pounds, bringing my weight down to 182 after my wedding in April 2003. My lowest weight since childhood.
  • Gained up to 195 after coming off WW. Got pregnant and gained 35 pounds.
  • Pregnant again, weighing 235 post pregnancy. Gained up to 243 before discovering another pregnancy.
  • Pregnant once again with Number Four and maintained the 267 weight until the last month. Nine months pregnant with my fourth baby, I weighed in at 273.
  • Baby came. Lost about 10 pounds. Gained it. Lost it. Gained it. Now I am at the "lost it" stage again. Hoping to not ever see it again.

OK. So, now you know. FYI.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

not me monday

Not Me! Monday again. It's been a good-ish week. Check out MckMama's tell all over at her site. After you read mine, of course. :)


It was not me who decided to eat the skin (fried skin) of the chicken breast as opposed to the real meat. After all I am not only eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. That would be like, what, how skinny girls eat?? I am so a skinny girl. ;)

It was not me who went grocery shopping twice this week and passed up candy bar treats in the check out. I do not celebrate small victories.

It was not me who stood in the kitchen, snitching the rest of the chocolate covered rice krispy treats at 4:00 in the morning. While holding the wide awake baby. If I did eat that chocolate, I certainly did not chase it with some milk and call it healthy. I am not in denial. Mm-mm. Not me.

That's it for me. By-sers!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

humongo boobs and a wanna-be-flat-stomach

I learned yesterday that when I smoosh my flabby belly against me so that it is "flat", I look pretty good. This gave me hope because 1) If I never loose the very round butt, I can still look great and 2) oh, I forgot number two.

Why do we stand in the mirror and criticize ourselves. I made the mistake of sitting in front of the mirror the other day and can we say "roly poly"??

Sigh. It's not that I think I'm disgusting to look at. I like my hair. I have been told I have nice eyes. Frankly, my husband thinks humongo boobs are great. But, for me, personally, I would like to magically twitch my nose and loose about 150 pounds. OK, OK, I'd settle for 120 pounds. Heck, just take way one hundred pounds, and we'll call it even.

Alas, no magic happens and my nose is getting itchy. I must plod along in this fat body and get there myself. Well, with Jesus, but you know what I mean.

Tootles! Have a happy Valentine's Day!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

i do not love me

Here's a revelation for ya. I do not really love myself. Yep. If I did love myself, I would take care of me. I would not stuff my face to the point of a belly ache. I would go for a walk every day. I would not keep eating even when I know it hurts me.

I don't let my children have more than two cookies; why do I eat the entire jar? I take better care of my kids [not to mention, my husband] than I do myself.

It is a shocking realization, but I don't think I believe I am worth it.

What will it take to make me want to take care of me? God tells me in Psalm 139 that I am "fearfully and wonderfully" made. "His works are wonderful". That means ME! If I could really grasp His love for me; if I could truly wrap my frail mind around what his LOVE means to ME... I just might be free. Free to take care of this fearfully and wonderfully made person.

Now, that's a Valentine's Day thought.... Anyways....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

lacy wedgies

I thought they would fit. I dug the sexy, lacy undies out of my underwear drawer. Beneath the granny panties I wore through the last pregnancy. The granny panties have begun to hang a bit loosely on my rear, so maybe, just maybe the sexy ones will fit.

Here I sit. Quite uncomfortably. Lace digs into my fleshly flesh. I have an acute wedgie. Not too comfy. I guess I need to come down a few more pounds. Pounds from the rear.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

a little bit of thanks and a little bit of victory

Thank you, kind gals. I so appreciate your words of encouragement and support. I feel like we are this ring of fat girls, cheering each other on. (Oh, please don't be offended that I called you fat. You know, I call myself fat, so it's OK.)

Victory tonight. I did not binge. I ate a little bit of dinner. Interrupted by crying children. Hours later, nursing the baby, I noticed the God-given sign of needing to eat: hunger. Yea; I get to eat! I ate a little bit, stopping at a "five" (you know, not too full; not too hungry). Then, that was it. Here I sit, and my stomach is "just right". I feel great. Maybe I really will walk in freedom.

Monday, February 9, 2009

hoping to not die

You're right, Katster. Thanks for commenting on my blog and keeping it real for this obese girl. If I keep marching along, without making any changes, I will die. As you so eloquently put it.

Every fat girl needs to be reminded by a stranger that she is eating awful foods. Food that kills her. The sad thing is, I already know that!! I am addicted. That's what I keep saying. A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D.

BUT GOD! Psalm 30:2-3 says "O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you restored my health. You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Back in January, God brought this verse to my mind. I am desperately seeking His face, remember? I need him. Like a baby needs its mother, I need Him. Like a ship needs its rudder, I need him. Like an addict needs its deliver, I NEED HIM. I believe if I keep following him and seeking him for freedom (like the Thin Within program teaches), God can and will be faithful to save me from the death I so deserve.

I do not want to replace my addiction to food with low-fat or sugar free food. I do not want to replace it with water. Or fruit. Or exercise. I want to replace food addiction with a fulfilling relationship between me and my Creator. This is my deepest desire. To truly not be hungry again.

"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again." John 6:35a
I'm coming, Lord! I'm coming!!

not me monday

It is "Not Me!" Monday. Check out MckMama's blogging fun at her site.

Here goes it.

It was not me who threw a bag of bon bons into the snack cabinet and growled at the innocent golden chocolates "you are not going to have the best of me!"

It was not me who at half a box of chocolates while in line at Chick-Fil-A. Well, a little less than half a box. I was hungry, after all. I mean not hungry.

It was not me who managed to spend $35.00 at Cheeseburger in Paradise while splitting the appetizer, the drink, the meal and the dessert with my husband. Cheez. Eating is costly.

That's it for me this week.

Friday, February 6, 2009

the 200 pound mark

I remember when I climbed over the 200 pound mark. I was a sophomore in high school. My family had moved out to the country and lived in a trailer house. A run down, holes in the ground, trailer house. It was an incredibly stressful time for our whole family. We were very poor. My mother stretched our already tight budget by buying cheap food. I remember a lot of bologna, beans and Cheetos.

It was during this time frame that the food addiction surged and really took a hold of me. We were supposed to sell chocolate as a fund raiser for a school program. It was "The World's Finest Chocolate"; remember those? Oh. My. Goodness. So, way too yummy. Anyway. [I got distracted by the memory. I think it really is the world's finest chocolate... OK. Coming back to this post...] So. Selling this delicious chocolate got the best of me. I think I might have sold one bar. I ate the rest in the bathroom. Hiding. Often, I would take two at a time into that tiny bathroom, close my eyes, and eat the sweet chocolate.

I told my high school friend I weighed over 200 pounds. She was barely 5 feet tall and probably weighed a plump 130. She was chubby in a very cute way. She was the most down-to-earth cheerleader. I loved her. I thought she was beautiful. And here I was, confiding about my weight.

"There's no way you're over 200 pounds," she told me.

"Elena, I am!" I insisted, blushing darkly.

She dragged me to their family's kitchen and pointed to the scales. "No your not. I'll show you."

I sighed deeply and stepped onto the box. Sure enough, the red letters "203" glared back at me. I tried not to choke. "See, " I told her.

My friend stared at the numbers. She shook her head. "The scales are broke."

She never admitted that I weighed 200 pounds. She was a good friend.

Skinny people have this notion about "200 pounds". Like it marks the official fat person. "200 pounds" seems huge to a 130-pound-person. I remember when I hit 300 pounds. Now, that's a different story. For another post.

do not lie to me

Here's one for you. This book promotes being fat. Nice.

Not really. Get real people. It is not fun to be fat.

I remember the season on The View when Star Jones boasted about being fat. She kept saying she "liked herself" the way she was; fat. I watched her and KNEW she was lying. I am fat. I know what it is like. It is not fun to squeeze into chairs at restaurants. Or to roll out of the airline seats on airplanes. Or to have to shop in the "plus size" section of the store. Not fun. Do not pretend like it is.

P.S. Star Jones had some sort of surgery to help her loose weight. So, see. She really did not like being fat. She said it because she was in denial and was trying to make herself feel better. Been there; done that.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

flabby friday

Join Christa @ Quintooples for encouragement in the quest to be fit!

Christa with her quintooples hosts a "Flabby Friday" writing thing. It is meant to encourage us fat girls who do not want to be fat anymore. I am all for that. So here goes.

Is it technically cheating to eat six scoops of ice cream if I was truly hungry? And, while six scoops does sound like a lot of ice cream, it was really only two bowls. And, I was still hungry after the first. So, it wasn't cheating, right??

Yeah, yeah. I know. I should have stopped with number one. Maybe next time.

Note to self: quit buying ice cream.

ugly fat

Ugh. The fat is just sitting on me. Rolls over the top of my blue jeans. Yuck.

I caught a glimpse of a my reflection yesterday. Sadly, one of my fat rolls is as big as my boobs. Great. Very unattractive. I immediately sat up. Slightly better.

It is icky to be fat. I do not like it. I hate it. I do not want to be fat. It is a struggle to not be bogged down about it.

My husband says, "you are so beautiful!" I stare at him in disbelief. I contemplate his honesty. Is he trying to make me feel good? Or is he blinded by love? Am I truly beautiful? Even with fat hanging all over the place? Yuck. How can that be beautiful?? Silly man.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

this time i said no

Little by little, He is changing me. I do find myself impatient. Might as well be tapping my foot. Come on, change me, Lord!!

He is. Changing me, I mean.

One of my points of weakness is continual snacking throughout the day. And by that I mean I grab a bit of food every time I pass through the kitchen. Especially if there is something sweet. Every time I go into the kitchen, bite of food. Every time I walk through the kitchen to get to another area of the house, bite of food. While I'm cooking dinner, lots of bites of food. Get it?

Anyway. I realized this was a weakness and began to surrender this area to God. Part of the Thin Within program is to strive to only eat when you are hungry. So, snatching food simply because I am in the vicinity of food... Is not conclusive to only eating when hungry.

[Just to put this from another angle to get a stronger perspective... let's imagine an alcoholic. Someone dependent on alcohol to get through his day. Can you see him swiping swings of his poison all day? Ah, yes. See. My food has become an addiction just like the alcoholic's liquor.]

Yesterday, there were rice krispy treats (frosted with chocolate, of course) sitting on my counter. I spent the first few hours of the day, snitching bites. My "norm". Then God whispered to me. A gentle reminder of my convictions and my desire for freedom. I put a lid on the goodies (literally) and hid them away in the cabinet. Then I left the kitchen. I did not return to the kitchen without a specific mission. And I rested on the strength of the Lord to accomplish each little mission without snitching a bite of the treat.

I am excited about this little victory. For me, a food addicted woman, this is huge. We are making progress.

Monday, February 2, 2009

not me monday

i am joining the "Not Me!" Monday thing with MckMama. It is a time to fully confess while, well, not confessing.


It was not me who bought a dozen donuts. And ate them. One by one all day long. Not me. I do not know why the box is empty

It was not me who laid in bed crying in the arms of her hubby. Crying because of my addiction. I do not feel a desperation to loose all this awful weight. Not me. I like being fat

It was not me who dreaded weighing in on Feb 1st (my self-appointed day of reckoning). I did not glare darkly at the bathroom scales. Which are not still hiding under the bathroom cabinet. I did not brave those darn scales. I did not have a mini-celebration when I saw the horrid numbers drop. Slightly. It was so not good. Ah.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

the most incredible replacement for food

For what it is worth, I need to share what I have replaced with food. Alica (who I totally support and encourage!!) suggested I substitute my love affair with food by turning to gum. Or water. Or (the best option by all appearances-literally) to exercise. But, here is the problem with that wonderful (and very WW suggestion)... Gum, water and exercise do not "do it" for me. Gum can never replace chocolate. I love chocolate. I hate it that I love chocolate, but I do. What, in the world, can truly fill me up the way food fills me up???

The other day, I totally binged. I ate and ate and ate. I ate whatever I could find. I ate the rest of the leftovers from dinner. I ate a candy bar. I ate the rest of the ice cream. I sat in my rocking chair, watching nothingness on TV and stuffed my face. Finally, the night was dark enough and I took my aching belly upstairs for a shower before bed. As I climbed the stairs, I felt so empty. Ironically, I felt empty. Even with a belly stuffed full of my companion, food. How could this be??

I put this to you: I felt empty because I am trying to fill a void with food. A void that was never meant to be filled with anything but God. Sigh. [I know I just lost a lot of you with that one.. But, please stick with me.] I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am in relationship with my Savior who, miraculously, is also my friend. Through reading a book called, Thin Within, I have learned that the reason I overeat is because I have a deep hunger inside. A hunger that screams to be filled. Since I was a girl, I have been attempting to satisfy this hunger with food. It does not work. That is why we can eat and eat and still feel so empty inside.

This past month, I have been turning to God for freedom from this food addiction. It sounds so extreme and unbelievable, but I am desperate for freedom!! I am tired of being a slave to food. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of being hungry. In my desperation, I have taken my deepest desire to Jesus Christ. He says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." (John 6:35)

I hope you keep following my journey. Watch and see. May I be a beautiful example of the freedom Jesus Christ offers out to all of us. Learn more at the Thin Within's website.

first weigh-in of the year

Well. I have lost eight pounds. I think I weighed myself about three weeks ago. Sometime in January. I only want to weigh-in every month. I think that will be a more accurate measurement of my weight. Instead of the daily fluctuations. Weight even fluctuates on a weekly basis with a woman's cycles, etc.

But mostly, I want to weigh every month because I do not want my WEIGHT to be the determiner of my success. We place way too much emphasis on weight loss. We should be celebrating the change in our behavior pattern. I want to be more excited about watching myself become free from the food addiction rather than being excited about loosing eight pounds. Know what I mean? It is the changes that will last a lifetime. Hopefully.

Friday, January 30, 2009

flabby friday

Join Christa @ Quintooples for encouragement in the quest to be fit

OK. Here's my confession for Flabby Friday. Thanks for the great idea, Christa, mommy of quintooples.

I have come to the sad and depressing realization that I am mourning the loss of food. Food has become my companion. My friend. Denying the relationship is part of my problem. I am coming out of the closet; I love food. Well, it is really a love/hate relationship. But, I do feel a loss when I consider never turning to food again for comfort. Food has been "good" to me. It has brought me comfort. It has made me feel happy. We have celebrated many things together.

Food and I are breaking up. Oh, we'll still see each other at mealtimes or when I am hungry. But, I will not be turning to the big F for fun and comfort anymore. Sigh. The relationship is over and I am sad.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

show some love to one of us

Hey I found another one like me. Her name is Alica and she is on a roll. Setting out to finally conquer the weight thing, she is blogging about her journey. Online. For all the world to see. She is even blogging about everything she eats day to day. I get this girl. I think it is inspiring to see someone trying so hard.

Let's show her some love. Go encourage her and love on one of us.

she is so fat

Are you freaking kidding me?? Jessica Simpson is "fat"? Since when does weighing a whopping 135 pounds make a girl overweight?? PLEASE!

Thanks Insider for telling us what really matters in America. Unfortunately, I was coerced into watching this gossip show last night and was aghast to see them "reporting" on Simpson's reported "new look". Yes, the girl looked bad in her high-waisted jeans. OK. Bad call on her wardrobe. But, the curvy look? A big butt. A few small rolls. Come on. She finally looks like the rest of us! Well, actually, she is still smaller than then the rest of us.

I can just imagine Simpson watching this gossip about her weight. How awful for her! It is embarrassing enough to have your weight fluctuate, but to have it then flaunted across the world?? ARGH! I hope she manages to ignore the stupid media. I hope she miraculously is able to just go about her life weighing whatever the heck she wants to weigh!!

Oh yeah. I would love to be as "fat" as Jessica Simpson. Sigh. That must be truly painful. To weigh 135 pounds.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

from the head to the heart

I think I am the most nutritionally educated fat girl out there. People make the mistake of assuming I am ignorant when it comes to calories and fat grams. Don't judge a book by its cover. Or a fat girl by her flab. I know what I should be eating. I just don't eat what I should be eating. You know?

I read labels. I try to eat high protein and high fiber products. When I buy groceries, I don't buy junk. Of course, if junk gets brought into my house from other sources... I am a weak woman. I consume the junk! But, back to labels. I read them. I know what makes a "healthy" meal. Believe it or not, our meals are healthy. They are not fried. There are vegetables on the plate. Lean meat. High fiber carbs. Yadda-yadda.

The problem is not knowledge. It is my heart. My heart longs for the taste of chocolate. I want it. I can tell myself all day long how bad it is for my body, and my heart still longs for it. How do I get the head knowledge down into my heart? How do I really have freedom from this addiction?