the biting truth

 

Friday, February 6, 2009

the 200 pound mark

I remember when I climbed over the 200 pound mark. I was a sophomore in high school. My family had moved out to the country and lived in a trailer house. A run down, holes in the ground, trailer house. It was an incredibly stressful time for our whole family. We were very poor. My mother stretched our already tight budget by buying cheap food. I remember a lot of bologna, beans and Cheetos.

It was during this time frame that the food addiction surged and really took a hold of me. We were supposed to sell chocolate as a fund raiser for a school program. It was "The World's Finest Chocolate"; remember those? Oh. My. Goodness. So, way too yummy. Anyway. [I got distracted by the memory. I think it really is the world's finest chocolate... OK. Coming back to this post...] So. Selling this delicious chocolate got the best of me. I think I might have sold one bar. I ate the rest in the bathroom. Hiding. Often, I would take two at a time into that tiny bathroom, close my eyes, and eat the sweet chocolate.

I told my high school friend I weighed over 200 pounds. She was barely 5 feet tall and probably weighed a plump 130. She was chubby in a very cute way. She was the most down-to-earth cheerleader. I loved her. I thought she was beautiful. And here I was, confiding about my weight.

"There's no way you're over 200 pounds," she told me.

"Elena, I am!" I insisted, blushing darkly.

She dragged me to their family's kitchen and pointed to the scales. "No your not. I'll show you."

I sighed deeply and stepped onto the box. Sure enough, the red letters "203" glared back at me. I tried not to choke. "See, " I told her.

My friend stared at the numbers. She shook her head. "The scales are broke."

She never admitted that I weighed 200 pounds. She was a good friend.

Skinny people have this notion about "200 pounds". Like it marks the official fat person. "200 pounds" seems huge to a 130-pound-person. I remember when I hit 300 pounds. Now, that's a different story. For another post.

8 comments:

Kim said...

When I was pregnant with my second child, I started my pregnancy at 172. I was scared to death that I would "hit that 200 pounds". I lost so much weight with morning sickness that I did not, weighing in at only 182 before birth.

Fast forward five years and I had been diagnosed with depression, was in the midst of the lowest point of my life, and ALL I cared about was eating.... so when I hit that 200 dread pounds, I didn't care. AT ALL. And continued not to care all the way up to 243 pounds!

Alicia said...

She sounded like a good friend! I hit 2oo when I was pregnant. I honestly thought I could lose it all "like that." I thought in my mind...I am pregnant, I need to eat for my baby's health. Well let's say that her 8lbs 10oz self came out but I never (still havent) gotten below the 200 mark. I have over shot it by about 40 lbs.

I hear you...we are going through the same things. It is so hard. I am here for you though:)!

The Masked Mommy said...

I remember going over the 200 pound mark. It was right before I found out I was pregnant again. Then I was terrified... because I knew I would only be getting bigger. I also have a serious food addiction. I was reading your new posts, and thinking "I would really like a cupcake". We have a bunch in the kitchen. Then I read your post about how much fat people hate being fat. It's true! I hate it so much! I hate it more than anything in the whole world! There isn't a day in my life that goes by that it isn't an issue. My husband doesn't understand why I can't just stop eating. Anyway, I didn't eat the cupcakes. They're still sitting there. I think it would help me if you could talk about how much I hate being fat every day.

Jenn(ifer) said...

::hugs::

You know, my bad eating stemmed from childhood poverty. We didn't have much food and the food we could afford was cheap & not so good for you. Why is that? I have had times as an adult that money was hard to come by & the only food I could afford that the not-so-good (but tastes oh! so good) food. Its just hard. People talk about eating "organic" but I can't afford with with a family of 5 plus my MiL that is living here now. Geez!!

Tiff said...

Your comment about how people perceive the 200 pound mark is SO TRUE. I've struggled with my weight - all my life. I was in my late teens when I teetered around 200. As I climbed into the 190s I'd think to myself - ok, as long as I don't get to 200. Yeah right. As the scale climbed to 230 240 250 - I beat myself up more and more. My friends would say "you're not that big". (Hint - if I was going to lie, this is one number I wouldn't inflate. Ha ha. Loved you post. Thanks for making me laugh

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

You are so amazing, and I love reading your blog. I love how truthful you are.

katster said...

I KNOW ITS HARD.. I LOVE FOOD... I MEAN LOVE IT.. BUT I AMA HEALTHY EATER AND I CONTROLL MY APPETITE.. I KEEP AWAY FROM TRANS FATS AND SAT FATS AND THATS ENOUGH TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM JUNK FOOD.. AND IT WORKS! I MEAN I CAN TELL IF IM LOOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE I JUST HAD A BABY A MONTH AGO AND AM BREAST FEEDING.. SO I KNOW IM LOOSING WEIGHT BECAUSE OF THAT.. SOME TIMES I THINK IM NOT GETTING ENOUGH CALORIES IN MY DIET FOR BREAST FEEDING.. BUT I AM OR WAS A JUNK FOOD AHOLIC.. I CANT COMPAIR TO YOU AS I NEVER WENT OVER 150.. THATS BEING PREGNANT.. BUT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.. THE WAY I THINK ABOUT IT IS EAT WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY AND UNHEALTHY OR BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY..

prettybyrdie said...

Thank you for being so honest on here. I just found your blog today. I was always within the 160-170 range, until I got married and started law school. Now every time I go through finals it's another ten pounds that just won't come off. I recently hit the 200 mark, and started a new diet and workout routine to try and stop the cycle. Unfortunately, I'm up to 205 now! I'm hoping this is just some new muscle from the workouts or something.

The saddest part is that I look at pictures of myself when I weighed 50 lbs less, and I remember being there and feeling soooo fat! Now I think I looked great. I guess the key is to try and be healthier, but not to wish away your time either.

I will be keeping up with your blog for some much needed inspiration!