the biting truth


Friday, February 27, 2009

bubble up the pain in my amazing childhood

I am humbled and amazed at the honesty and candor of my followers. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouraging me on this journey.

April mentioned that she had an "AMAZING childhood" in her comment on my previous post. [I like April, you should check out her blog. I love it. FYI] Since she had an amazing childhood, how could it possibly be the reason for her weight struggle?? What a great point.

Here's the thing, if you had asked me that last year, I would have said the same thing. [Not that I'm questioning the authenticity of April's childhood; it probably was amazing.] My parents are great people. They taught me and my siblings about Jesus Christ and his gift of salvation to all people. My parents "walked the walk", so to speak. Their relationship with Christ was real and still is real today. I know they love me and did their best raising me and my brothers and sisters.

That is one reason why it is so hard to admit the memories of hurt. They did not mean to hurt me. My mother had a hormonal imbalance. She would "loose it" sometimes. It was accepted in our family that that was "just mom". My dad learned to live with it and us kids were "vomited on", so to speak, every time my mother lost it. She would go days hiding in her room, unable to function.

Now, writing that, I can see the dysfunction in our family. But, growing up, that was "normal"; I didn't know this was not OK. As a mother of many children, I totally understand "loosing it". I get the intensity of stress. It has been hard for me to admit that my mother's behavior hurt me. I love her so much! I know she loves me and I believe she really and truly walks with the Lord. However, she is human and she made mistakes that shaped who I am today.

The Holy Spirit is like Hydrogen Peroxide; the Lord pours it on the wounds of our hearts. It bubbles out the ick so healing can begin. Part of the Thin Within program is allowing God into my heart. Surrendering the wounds; allowing myself to feel the pain of the wounds. It is hard, but we're doing it. God and me. I "went back" to those days where Mom acted like a child. I cried over the loss of my mother not being a mother in this area. I recognized that Jesus was with me, even during the pain. I gave Him my wound and hurt and asked Him to come heal my heart. And, you know what?? He did; he has! Praise God!

That was a few weeks ago. The past few days... well, let's just say His pouring more Hydrogen Peroxide on my heart. I can feel the bubbles bringing up another wound and I am really struggling to face it. Sigh. My heart cries out, "NO!" My spirit answers, "Surrender already!!"


Alicia said...

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I know that all of this was hard to write but I wanted to let you know you are not the only one who has lived through that. It's hard but through God anything is possible!

Serenity said...

First I want to thank you for your kind words that you posted on my blog...I found your blog maybe a week ago and even though we are each dealing with different demons, I feel like you "get" me and that is something new to me and totally appreciated. My heart to is crying out No and I am having a hard time surrendering as well..Peace to us both :o)

Tinika said...

Oh my goodness girl! I have never heard it put quite like that. The Peroxide analogy I mean, but it is so right on.

You have such a great way with words!

Also reading about your experience with your mom really hit home. I won't even attempt to explain in comment form. It could get lengthy. Hmm, I think I feel a post of my own coming on.

Have a great night and I wish you the best of luck as you continue to work through these complicated emotions.