the biting truth


Sunday, March 1, 2009

i'm darn fine, thanks

It is not true that my pants are looser. Not true that my bra fits better. Not true that my clothes are looking better on me. It has all been the effects of my great imagination and not my great weightloss.

Around 3am the toddler was up with her mommy, so I decided to go ahead and "weigh in". After all it was my self-imposed weigh-in date (March 1st), and three hours into the weigh-in date certainly counted as "the date". So, with the door closed, I dug out the scales from under the bathroom sink. Plopped them on the floor and stepped on the black judgement box. I wondered how much would I loose? Might I just stay the same? Well, that would be OK, too.

Since I can't see the scales while I'm standing on them due to my huge stomach and mega boobs, I just stared in the mirror while the scales judged me. After waiting the required 20 seconds [or so], I gingerly stepped off the scales. I about threw up then and there when I read the numbers 265. I weighed 257 on February 1st. I have gained seven pounds. GAINED.

Needless to say, I feel ..... lost today. I'm going to church feeling empty and full of anguish. Not just because of the weight gain, but because I do not like myself right now. And I am unsure as to where to go from here. Not that this is a different feeling for me; unfortunately, it is quite familiar.

"Hi YOU! How are you today?" they will ask me sweetly upon arriving at church.

Of course, I will smile fakely and reply, "Oh I'm FINE. Thanks. And you?"

And so the exchange will go. [Or, perhaps I should answer truthfully today. "I'm awful, thanks for asking. And how are you?????"]


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your gain during your weigh in. I wanted to ask you a few questions tho~

Has this past month brought you closer to the Lord?

Has God's thoughts toward you changed as a result of your weight gain?

Are you fearfully and wonderfully made?

I ask these things because your weight does not determine who you are! Your relationship with God does!!! God still loves you and it is Satan that wags his accusatory finger at you trying to steal your victory!


Alicia said...

This is only a minor set back. You and the family were sick for a while so this just wasnt a good month. It will get better. Your relationship with God is getting better too. It will all come in time.

Dont beat yourself up because that is how Satan wins. I know you just want to eat everything in sight...I know that is what I want to do. Be strong...stay with the Lord. He will pull you through.

Jenn(ifer) said...

I'm sorry! Its not easy and I'm sure you just want to throw your hands up...but don't give up yet.

Have you been exercising? If not, maybe you should start out by simply walking for 20 min. at least 3x a week. Just start small and see if that helps the numbers on the scale. If so, maybe its muscle.

Hang in can do it!

Gracie said...

I know that feeling of defeat, that leaves you wanting to eat everything. You think, I screwed it up-AGAIN, so I might as well go ahead and eat and eat, then after you eat, you are left frustrated and hating yourself even more. DONT GIVE UP. This is a setback, and only a setback. The devil would love nothing more than to continue seeing you look at yourself with disgust and fail at this BUT, God is on your side, and with HIM and through HIM all, let me repeat that, ALL things are possible. He loves you no matter what. His mercy is new everyday. YOU ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE!!! Hang in there, friend.