the biting truth

 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

moving past the weight gain

I have done some soul searching the past few days. I have come up with the following truths:

1) [As you all have been so sweet to remind me] I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have realized that I do not believe that as I look in the mirror. I saw He's Just Not That Into You last night at the theatre. The love scene between two characters reminded me of the early days with my husband. While incredibly inappropriate and not what a Christian woman should be viewing.... it made me long for the days when I willing gave in to my husband's advances. When I felt beautiful and sexy and just let myself go during our love making. Whether I want to admit it or not.... my self esteem is limiting our sex life. He kisses me and touches me and my thoughts disrupt the romance. Sometimes, all I can think about is how fat I am... how can he love me? How can he want me? Does he wish I were different and how could he NOT wish I were different??? So..... obviously, this is an area I need to seek the Lord for freedom. I want to fully accept me, where I'm at, right now. This is my reality, flabby belly and all. I want to love me.

My darling does love me; he tells me all the time. He promises that he does not mind the rolls of fat; even says he loves exactly how I am. It is incredibly hard to trust that he is telling me the truth. [This may be TMI, but you don't know who I am anyway. So, it's OK, right?]

2) I also realized that I was adapting the TW program to my own. I was picking and choosing which aspects of the guidelines to follow, dismissing the ones I saw as unnecessary. Gaining weight this past month shows me that I need to commit more fully to the TW program.

3) Also, several of you supportive followers reminded me that it is not just about loosing weight; but also about my relationship with God. I have found another measure of freedom this past month. I have learned how to go through out my day without grazing all day long. That is a huge accomplishment! Now, I am applying that victory towards not eating in the evenings. I know I can do that, because God has helped me quite the unnecessary snacking through out the day.

4) Plus, I learned I need to eat healthier foods. TW says to eat whatever you want... but, I think I was taking that too far. I was eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for snack. Nutritionally, that's way too many calories. While there is "freedom" to eat whatever, I don't think it's the best for me. So, I am committing to saving the cake and other sweets for dessert. [Duh! Only a fat girl would need to be reminded of that!] No more sweets for a meal; only food that will bless my body.

There are other revelations that I'll share as time goes by, but I think this is enough for now. Thank you, all of you, for you support and encouragement. I move on, holding the hand of the Lord God Almighty. Deep breath... here we go.

5 comments:

dmelen said...

Hang in there!! Praying you will find Peace with yourself.

Amanda said...

ONe thing that helped me is having kids. (Well, not in the weight gain department.) But once Ihad a baby I wanted to make sure that they were given the best foods and opportunities... I have done hours and hours of research and really like mercola.com. There I learned how vital good food and nutrition is... how foods can kill us, and how foods can cure us. How sugar and startch can be poison in our bodies... how High Fructose corn syrup and splenda is like rat poison. How eating asparagus and broccoli can cure you of some diseases... and how drinking pop can lead to diabeates... aspartaine is evil!

(Forgive my poor spelling)

Theres so much information out there that we DONT know...but being a 'fat' girl, we think we know ALL the diets and all the tricks... its just not true.

I urge you to check our mercola.com...do a search on fats or sugars or splenda or even sun screen. (thats bed for you too! get more sun!)

God bless-
Amanda

P.S. Your readers are right when the ULTIMATE focus should be on God. I like to say, if I would only eat the foods that GOD provided on this earth, I would be in the Optimum health... all natural, raw, organic food is how God intended us to live!

Alicia said...

I may not "know" you but I definately can relate. To all of it...even the TMI info. I wonder the same things and slowly but surely I am getting over it. I do have a low self esteem & very self conscious about my weight/looks. I kept asking my hubby the same things. One day I asked him if he would love me if I were skinny. His answered shocked me. He told me he would love me no matter what but that I need to love myself. It was my hang up with weight that was causing problems...not his.


I am proud that you are able to admit all of this (especially on your blog). THat is the first step. I will be praying for you today!

Serenity said...

Good luck to you! I just recently started WW myself and the points I get are soooooo taken for granted...Time to buckle down and do it the correct way!

The Masked Mommy said...

I am so sorry that you gained! Arg! I hate that for you!!! What courage to stick with it after a set back. Go you!

I also just wanted to say that my starting my diet was a direct result of reading your blog. I love how you write the truth about being overweight. Your first posts were very inspiring to me. If you get discouraged, you should go back and read them yourself.

Your blog always makes me crave cupcakes... but I guess a small serving of fat free pudding will do ;-)

Thank you for being my weight loss inspiration. It means a lot. Please keep going!