all out of self-control

I cannot quit eating.  I have gained five pounds in two weeks.  

I am eating chocolate covered oreos.  A real sin.  I have stuffed my face with bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings, sweet tea, fries, buffalo wings, pizza, chocolate cookies, peanut butter and jelly muffins, cheese doritos, cheese dip, cheetos, crackers, candy, oh, the list is awful!!

I am SOOOOOO  off the wagon.  BINGE!  FIVE DAYS OF BINGING!  

I have prayed.  I have cried.  I have promised myself I will stop.  

Yet, here I am.  Eight-thirty in the morning; eating oreos.  Chocolate-covered oreos.  

Christmas with the Fat Girl

Wow. I really appreciated all of your comments, Ladies. [I assume you're all ladies, even the anonymous postings. I guess you could be men... but I doubt it.]

Here's what I think about WW. I think it is the most realistic weightloss approach out there. That said, I also believe that any diet will work if you follow the program. Ultimately it comes down to how many calories you consume verses how many calories you burn. Duh, right?

What I like about WW is that they don't teach a "diet" as much as they teach a lifestyle. The ugly truth is that we were not created to eat whatever the crap we want to eat and be skinny. Most skinny people watch what they eat. Many of those skinnies exercise religiously. Sad, but true, fellow fatties. We cannot sit around, eat chocolate and chips and cheese and expect our bodies to not get bigger and bigger.

Christmas came and went. I had planned to follow the healthy lifestyle plan all day. That lasted for about thirty minutes and two mini candy bars before I declared it a "free day". A day minus counting points and worrying about what was good for me and what wasn't good for me. I just wanted to enjoy Christmas. So, I did. But my stomach hurt all day long. Plus I had a raw ache of guilt in my gut all day. Really wonderful.

It comes down to this for me. I want to eat the crap. I want to eat chocolate. And, not just a little bit of it. Not just three points worth. No, no. I want to eat it ALL!! Give me a pound of chocolate covered peanuts and I'll down those suckers. That's my problem, Ladies. My Big, Fat Problem.

But now I've mumbled my way through another post. I promise some more fluent and understandable posts down the road. For now, my Internet is out and my thoughts are mushy.

Merry Christmas.

self sabotaging the fat girl

Why can't I end the day the way I begin it?


My resolutions run high and my will power is strong when the morning sun awakens me. [Or, when my children awaken me...] I feel like I can conquer the world. In the very least, conquer the darn stash of hidden chocolate.


The killer work outs remind me to not eat junk and the morning rushes about me, very much under control.


Lunch sneaks up on me, but I am still committed to good eating. As the evening approaches, my will power begins to dissolve. DISSOLVE. Like an alka seltzer dropped into a cup of water. The dinner plate grows into twice what I ate for breakfast. Then the kids go to bed and I start to snoop around the kitchen for anything and everything.


Since my will power has dissolved, nothing stops me from eating. In a matter of a few hours, I undo what I worked so hard to do all day. I nullify my own efforts. Is this called self-sabotage?

did you hear that? something is screaming my name...

I stared at the gooey Easter Cadbury eggs today at Walmart. Stared at them long and hard. Really, really, wanted to buy a box. OK, several boxes. I gritted my teeth and kept walking.

I am opening my home to several families for Easter. I don't want anyone to be alone for Easter; I hate being alone on any holiday. Since no one invited us over, we decided to invite others.

So, I'm doing some cooking. I am making lamb since I want to remember the Lamb of God that was slain for my sins. Also, various other goodies.

One of my new favorite desserts is [are you ready for this??] peanut-butter-rice-krispie-treats with melted chocolate on top. Oh. It. Is. So. Good. YUM. I decided I would make it for "the kids" for Easter. The grown ups get peach cobbler [one of my hubby's favorite desserts]. Yeah, yeah, OK. The rice krispie treats are really for me. The kids are just a good excuse.

I have all the ingredients. Not that there are many. But I have them all. The bag of chocolate chips is on the counter. I want to tear it open and eat half the bag. Or, really, I want to make the rice krispie treats. Let's just eat them tonight! But, here's the problem. I know my weakness. I know I am weak. I don't trust myself to only eat one. Or, for that matter, only eat two. I just might eat the entire pan. I have before.

So. I am not making the krispie treats today. I will wait and make them tomorrow. Or, maybe even Sunday after church. The less time I have to snitch the whole pan away, the better.

it hurt to fall off the wagon today

I fell of the wagon today. I lost my "care" and threw it all away. I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted... You know, it really just started around 2pm. What happened?? I have been searching inside myself asking what flipped the switch today.

Yesterday was a hard day. I found out that a sweet young girl's husband left her a month ago. Out of the blue. He spent two tours in Iraq and has been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One month ago, my little friend came home to find her husband's things gone. She doesn't know where he is or what he is doing. He has called her twice. He says he still loves her but is afraid he will hurt her.

She told me this at another friend's baby shower. I was bowled over. Numb feeling. It rocked me inside and made me feel sick. Made me want to run home to my husband and feel his arms around me.

Perhaps this sadness swirled around and pushed me over to the food bar. I don't know.

I get Alicia over at her 2009 Weightloss Journey. I get being tired of the fat. I want it to magically disappear, too.

But it won't if I keep eating like I did from 2pm to 10pm today. Humongous SIGH. Did you hear it?

stealing food

I have attempted three diets in the past month. I still weigh 266 pounds. Actually, I think I have gained about 3 pounds, when all is said and done.

I do "good" for like three days. Then, I loose it.

Today, I stole food from a friend's house. We are house sitting for her. I went to check on her cat. And I stole some Oreos. And MNMs. And fudge.

Then I came home and kicked myself the rest of the night for being such a pig. I am addicted to food. To eating. I am out of control.