easily distracted

Today is a good day. Today, I feel on top of it. Of what, you ask? Of food addiction. Of overeating. My problem. Whatever you name it, it is what it is.

But what about tomorrow? What will that be like? I cannot promise you that tomorrow I won't binge on chocolate and chips and cheese. I might. It still calls my name. Heck, it yells my name. Screaming to me...

I'm not crazy.

Food is my drug of choice. Some people smoke. Some people drink. I eat.

Kim makes a good point here about keeping your eyes on Christ. Yeah, yeah, I know, must I bring religion into it? Well, yes, I must. You see, I'm working through a 12 step program [I'm serious about being free from food addiction!!] and I do admit there is a higher power.

Anyway. Keeping my eyes on Christ. When I start worrying too much about my problem, it gets worse. When I start focusing on eating the exactly correct kind of food, I want to eat it all. When I get tunnel vision about how fat I am and cry about being overweight, the emotions overwhelm me. BUT!!! When I "seek first the kingdom", suddenly it all seems lighter. The burden of food addiction eases.

Freedom from food addiction does not come from ME. It only comes from Christ. Thus, I fix my eyes on Him, the author and perfecter of my faith.

But, I'm so fat!! Waaaaaaa!!!!!

See how easy it is to be distracted!!

Focus on God! Focus on God!

fat girl teeters

The fat girl has worked out three times this week. In a row. No slacking off. This week.

I have also followed the diet plan four days in a row. Six small meals a day. One carb. One protein. Vegetable twice a day. Simple. Right?

And, I feel good. But also teetery. [Is that a word?] I feel like I am on a pinnacle, balancing health and gluttony. I desperately hope health wins.

F.R.E.E.D.O.M. freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm................. May this be MY day!

power of freedom

Freedom is.... not being able to do what you want to do, but rather to have the power to do what you need to do.


I am on a quest for freedom. I found it ironic, or perhaps providential] that Sunday's lesson at church was on Freedom. Actually, it was on Financial Freedom. But during the intro my pastor gave the above definition of freedom. The definition rang loudly in my desperate ears. FREEDOM.


Freedom is not being free to eat whatever food I want and still loose weight. Freedom is having the power to NOT eat those foods. Freedom is not sitting on the couch and expecting a fit figure. Freedom is having the power to get up off that darn couch and exercise. Freedom is not finding comfort in a bag of m'n'ms; freedom is having the power to find comfort in the One and Only True God, who calls himself the God of All Comfort.


I want this freedom. Not freedom to do what I want, but rather to have the power to do what dad-gum-needs-to-be-done! Where do I find that power? I do not believe it indwells inside me alone. The power to get things done comes from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. [Acts 1:8]. God supplies the power I need to be free. Not free to do whatever I want. But, simply, freedom to do what needs to be done.


Lord, set me free!

my cheezy analogy and a little hoo-hoo

It is Day Four of living life on what I have dubbed "the healthy train". [Can you hear me blow the whistle? Hoo-hoo!]

I like the healthy train analogy. It gives me momentum. I'm on it and I'm not stopping off at the un-healthy eating station. Or the "I'm too tired to exercise" station. I am on the healthy train, headed towards a better life of health and wholeness.

Hoo-hoo! Watch out; I'm on the healthy train! Wanna jump on board? Let me hear ya; hoo-hoo!

[Yeah, yeah, it's a tad cheezy and maybe a little lame... but for this fat girl, some how, it helps me. What can I say?]

resurrection by Nicole Sponberg describes ME

I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say.

I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place.

How did my heart become so lifeless and cold?

Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind,

I've used up my strength and there's nothing left to give.

I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core.

I can't fake it anymore.

Here I am; at the end.

I'm in need of resurrection.

Only You can take this empty shell

and raise it from the dead.

What I've lost to the world

What seems far beyond redemption

You can take the pieces in Your hand

and make me whole again.

You speak and all creation falls to its knees.

You raise your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea.

You have a way of turning winter to spring.

Make something beautiful out of all this suffering.

Here I am; once again.

I'm in need of resurrection

Only You can take this empty shell

And raise it from the dead.

What I've lost to the world

What seems far beyond redemption

You take the pieces in Your hands

and make me whole again.

my rain jiggles

So, it is obvious that I hate the fat. Who loves flab? We weren't meant to jiggle... [Well, maybe our rears were meant to jiggle. Isn't that supposed to be sexy or something? But not the belly. Definitely not the belly...] The struggle to get the fat off is long. And hard. No matter how you tackle the darn thing.

But the exterior of myself is nothing compared to the inner turmoil. The storm that rages and rains. Fat is like seeing the rain without seeing the storm clouds. Every time we see a fat person, it should be a clue that there was a storm somewhere in that person's life. Fat is the rain from my storm.

I rarely make it to the movies, but I did catch one the other day. Unfortunately, it was awful! It was "Mall Cop". I thought I would love it, but I so did not. I felt very made-fun-of throughout the movie. Fat people in general were the butt of the joke. Ick. At one point of the movie, the shy and backward mall cop heads to a party. There, he and the other fat boy had a nacho-eating contest. Because, you know, that's what us fat people do at parties. Every fat person wants to highlight their fatness and show off their pig out abilities.

There are things in my past that I have buried so deeply that I cannot see it for the layers of fat that cover it up. I smile blindly when you ask me about my childhood. Oh yeah, it was great. No, I was not screamed at. Oh, no that wasn't me. Yeah sure my mother said, "I wish you'd never been born"... but I know she didn't mean it so I am FINE. So totally and completely fine.

Pass the chocoalte, please.

a little bit of thanks and a little bit of victory

Thank you, kind gals. I so appreciate your words of encouragement and support. I feel like we are this ring of fat girls, cheering each other on. (Oh, please don't be offended that I called you fat. You know, I call myself fat, so it's OK.)

Victory tonight. I did not binge. I ate a little bit of dinner. Interrupted by crying children. Hours later, nursing the baby, I noticed the God-given sign of needing to eat: hunger. Yea; I get to eat! I ate a little bit, stopping at a "five" (you know, not too full; not too hungry). Then, that was it. Here I sit, and my stomach is "just right". I feel great. Maybe I really will walk in freedom.

hoping to not die

You're right, Katster. Thanks for commenting on my blog and keeping it real for this obese girl. If I keep marching along, without making any changes, I will die. As you so eloquently put it.

Every fat girl needs to be reminded by a stranger that she is eating awful foods. Food that kills her. The sad thing is, I already know that!! I am addicted. That's what I keep saying. A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D.

BUT GOD! Psalm 30:2-3 says "O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you restored my health. You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Back in January, God brought this verse to my mind. I am desperately seeking His face, remember? I need him. Like a baby needs its mother, I need Him. Like a ship needs its rudder, I need him. Like an addict needs its deliver, I NEED HIM. I believe if I keep following him and seeking him for freedom (like the Thin Within program teaches), God can and will be faithful to save me from the death I so deserve.

I do not want to replace my addiction to food with low-fat or sugar free food. I do not want to replace it with water. Or fruit. Or exercise. I want to replace food addiction with a fulfilling relationship between me and my Creator. This is my deepest desire. To truly not be hungry again.

"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again." John 6:35a
I'm coming, Lord! I'm coming!!

this time i said no

Little by little, He is changing me. I do find myself impatient. Might as well be tapping my foot. Come on, change me, Lord!!

He is. Changing me, I mean.

One of my points of weakness is continual snacking throughout the day. And by that I mean I grab a bit of food every time I pass through the kitchen. Especially if there is something sweet. Every time I go into the kitchen, bite of food. Every time I walk through the kitchen to get to another area of the house, bite of food. While I'm cooking dinner, lots of bites of food. Get it?

Anyway. I realized this was a weakness and began to surrender this area to God. Part of the Thin Within program is to strive to only eat when you are hungry. So, snatching food simply because I am in the vicinity of food... Is not conclusive to only eating when hungry.

[Just to put this from another angle to get a stronger perspective... let's imagine an alcoholic. Someone dependent on alcohol to get through his day. Can you see him swiping swings of his poison all day? Ah, yes. See. My food has become an addiction just like the alcoholic's liquor.]

Yesterday, there were rice krispy treats (frosted with chocolate, of course) sitting on my counter. I spent the first few hours of the day, snitching bites. My "norm". Then God whispered to me. A gentle reminder of my convictions and my desire for freedom. I put a lid on the goodies (literally) and hid them away in the cabinet. Then I left the kitchen. I did not return to the kitchen without a specific mission. And I rested on the strength of the Lord to accomplish each little mission without snitching a bite of the treat.

I am excited about this little victory. For me, a food addicted woman, this is huge. We are making progress.

the most incredible replacement for food

For what it is worth, I need to share what I have replaced with food. Alica (who I totally support and encourage!!) suggested I substitute my love affair with food by turning to gum. Or water. Or (the best option by all appearances-literally) to exercise. But, here is the problem with that wonderful (and very WW suggestion)... Gum, water and exercise do not "do it" for me. Gum can never replace chocolate. I love chocolate. I hate it that I love chocolate, but I do. What, in the world, can truly fill me up the way food fills me up???

The other day, I totally binged. I ate and ate and ate. I ate whatever I could find. I ate the rest of the leftovers from dinner. I ate a candy bar. I ate the rest of the ice cream. I sat in my rocking chair, watching nothingness on TV and stuffed my face. Finally, the night was dark enough and I took my aching belly upstairs for a shower before bed. As I climbed the stairs, I felt so empty. Ironically, I felt empty. Even with a belly stuffed full of my companion, food. How could this be??

I put this to you: I felt empty because I am trying to fill a void with food. A void that was never meant to be filled with anything but God. Sigh. [I know I just lost a lot of you with that one.. But, please stick with me.] I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am in relationship with my Savior who, miraculously, is also my friend. Through reading a book called, Thin Within, I have learned that the reason I overeat is because I have a deep hunger inside. A hunger that screams to be filled. Since I was a girl, I have been attempting to satisfy this hunger with food. It does not work. That is why we can eat and eat and still feel so empty inside.

This past month, I have been turning to God for freedom from this food addiction. It sounds so extreme and unbelievable, but I am desperate for freedom!! I am tired of being a slave to food. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of being hungry. In my desperation, I have taken my deepest desire to Jesus Christ. He says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." (John 6:35)

I hope you keep following my journey. Watch and see. May I be a beautiful example of the freedom Jesus Christ offers out to all of us. Learn more at the Thin Within's website.