the fat girls' clothes grow

It's been awhile since I posted. Sorry about that.

I have good news. I have lost a total of 30 pounds since joining WW. I went from 273 down to 243. It feels awesome to be in the 240s. I know many people think weighing 240 is horrendous, but to me, it feels great!

Clothes that I hoarded away for years are fitting me again. I pulled out a green skort, slid it on and, gasp! it was even a little bit loose.

My underwear is looser. I got some adorable undies for Christmas [weird, I know, but it IS what I asked Santa for...] and they are too big now. I still wear them, though. And I enjoy how loose they are on my smaller, but still big, butt.

My bra needs re-forming. Rather, my boobs do. But that requires a new bra to reform the boobs. It's like they've been deflated. Hubby doesn't mind though, so why should I?

The shirts and blouses I wore at 276 now look pretty nice on this 243 frame. They must have been really tight back in November.

It just feels good.

the see-saw

I loose five, gain two. Loose three, gain one. Gain one. What a ridiculous up and down.

But, I'm not quiting. I'm pressing on. Really, I am. I've lost nine pounds in ten weeks. Nothing dynamic, but not too terribly shabby either.

I'm going away for six weeks. My fat sister and I are competing to see who can loose more weight in the next six weeks. I hope I come in a close second with a weight loss of over six pounds. Then, we both win.

Note to self: freezing the cookie dough does not make it un-edible. Oops.

un-measurable success

The scales should not define victory. So why do I care so much? Why do I look to the scales to tell me "how well I did" this week? All the energy, all the effort, all the sweat cannot be measured on the scales.

After my week on the healthy train, I lost about 2.5 pounds. It is a good weightloss. And yet, it is hard to not be disappointed. I feel like after all the effort I have put forth this week, I should have lost at least ten pounds. OK, fine, at least five.

{But, I didn't weigh in last week [didn't feel like facing a gain] so, it is possible I did loose more, but it didn't show up. }

Who cares. I lost 2.5 pounds. OH yeah, I also "went" 35.5 miles total last week. That is really a success right there!! This fat girl rode and walked a total of 35.5 miles. I think that's just darn incredible.

And, unmeasurable success? Well, that is how I feel inside about living healthy. I feel good. My life is turning in this arc of health and I look towards my future with optimism and hope.

one pound's thoughts

Back up to 264. I gained a pound. I knew I would. When one eats junk, one gains. Yeah, yeah.

It is hard to not feel incredible discouragement. Hard to not feel that the past two weeks have been a waste since I am back where I was two weeks ago.

But, I'm not back where I was, except with my weight. I can do much more physically. The things Mike, the personal trainer, has us doing... well, it shocks me that I can do it! I never thought I'd be able to do a squat, stay squatted and half-squat across the room. Amazes me. I amaze me. That is totally cool.

I am going to keep trucking along. Push through. I am going to work really hard this week, hoping to loose three pounds. Going to really watch what I eat and keep it healthy. Refrain from those "well just this once" treats and instead reach for fruit or veggies. Work my butt off [hopefully, literally!]

I'll keep ya posted.

what if i gain???

I weigh in tomorrow. I am scared. I have eaten some crap this week and it just might show up on the scales.

If it does; so what? I will "start again" and go at it, gung-ho, to continue down the weight loss road. This is part of it, right? A birthday. A brunch with the girls. Easter goodies. What a week.

I'll keep you posted. Literally.

one other thing.........

P.S. Oh yeah, I lost one pound this week. Yeah, I know. Good job. Thanks.

the tip of the fatberg

I have started too many diets in my 29 years. Despite my best efforts to not relive those failures, they are there. Staring at me as I attempt, yet again to change my life.

I lost five pounds this past week. It's great. I am happy with the results But. I've lost five pounds before. Heck, I've just recently lost five pounds. And then gained five pounds. So, while loosing five pounds is great, it is not the end. This is just the beginning.

I ask myself, "will this really be it?" Will this be the time when my life really changes? For forever?

Oh, I so desperately hope it is. I know better than to even call this a diet. Diets don't work because diets begin and end. I don't want to ever quit eating this way. Healthy. Foods that are good for you. This is a lifestyle change; I get that. I do.

i'm darn fine, thanks

It is not true that my pants are looser. Not true that my bra fits better. Not true that my clothes are looking better on me. It has all been the effects of my great imagination and not my great weightloss.

Around 3am the toddler was up with her mommy, so I decided to go ahead and "weigh in". After all it was my self-imposed weigh-in date (March 1st), and three hours into the weigh-in date certainly counted as "the date". So, with the door closed, I dug out the scales from under the bathroom sink. Plopped them on the floor and stepped on the black judgement box. I wondered how much would I loose? Might I just stay the same? Well, that would be OK, too.

Since I can't see the scales while I'm standing on them due to my huge stomach and mega boobs, I just stared in the mirror while the scales judged me. After waiting the required 20 seconds [or so], I gingerly stepped off the scales. I about threw up then and there when I read the numbers 265. I weighed 257 on February 1st. I have gained seven pounds. GAINED.

Needless to say, I feel ..... lost today. I'm going to church feeling empty and full of anguish. Not just because of the weight gain, but because I do not like myself right now. And I am unsure as to where to go from here. Not that this is a different feeling for me; unfortunately, it is quite familiar.

"Hi YOU! How are you today?" they will ask me sweetly upon arriving at church.

Of course, I will smile fakely and reply, "Oh I'm FINE. Thanks. And you?"

And so the exchange will go. [Or, perhaps I should answer truthfully today. "I'm awful, thanks for asking. And how are you?????"]

first weigh-in of the year

Well. I have lost eight pounds. I think I weighed myself about three weeks ago. Sometime in January. I only want to weigh-in every month. I think that will be a more accurate measurement of my weight. Instead of the daily fluctuations. Weight even fluctuates on a weekly basis with a woman's cycles, etc.

But mostly, I want to weigh every month because I do not want my WEIGHT to be the determiner of my success. We place way too much emphasis on weight loss. We should be celebrating the change in our behavior pattern. I want to be more excited about watching myself become free from the food addiction rather than being excited about loosing eight pounds. Know what I mean? It is the changes that will last a lifetime. Hopefully.