the fat girl decides thirty pounds ain't too shabby

I have lost thirty pounds so far. It's good. But, I'm still FAT.

Weightloss really is a moment by moment journey. I make atleast fifty decision a day that lead towards a weightloss at the end of the week. Or a weight gain. Pressure mounts when I stand in front of the fridge, making those decisions. Or at the fast food joint, staring at the menu options. Do I go healthy or unhealthy? Cheese or no cheese? Fries or skip 'em? Dessert or fruit?? Yadda yadda. Yidda yidda. And so it goes.

Loosing thirty pounds seems to validate that I might really succeed. This time. I definitely feel a weight loss momentum. There is a push of success behind me, barreling me ahead. Now, when I consider just giving up, the number thirty flashes in my brain like a night club's neon sign. I don't want to peddle backwards. Thirty pounds is nothing to sneeze at. Only sixty more pounds and I'll be out of the "morbidly obese" category. There's something to shoot for.

the fat girls smiles until she cries

The fat girl smiles. And she does. At her skinny neighbor who works out religiously. She smiles at her slightly overweight husband who just announced he's lost five pounds on the same diet she's been blowing the past two weeks. The fat girl smiles at her fat sister who eats the Reese's Candy bar in front of her, knowing the fat girl is trying to avoid said candy bar. The fat girl smiles at the cashier at Chick-Fil-A as she buys things that are not on the diet. Oh yes, the fat girl smiles.

But I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of being fat, but the effort to be skinny seems oh, so scary.

My husband and I have started a diet program called "Body for Life". It is a strict diet of carbs and protein every three hours combined with an exercise regime worthy of Biggest Looser. Husband is excited about it all and I am stumbling to keep up. Part of the problem for me is that we have only half way "started" the program. The first week we didn't have all the weights we needed so we skipped the bulk of those work outs. Week Two [this week], we ran out of time [and energy] to do all the work outs, so they've been dropped again. And, on my end, I have not followed the diet this week, either. Unfortunately, I am a "all or nothing" kind of girl. Muddling through the program half-way feels like I'm doing nothing.

I find I don't really want to do it. I don't want to eat the same food from the Approved Foods List every day, six times a day. Boring! I don't want to lift weights and do squats until it hurts to take a step. That is not fun!

But, on the other hand, it's not fun to be FAT!! Smile or no smile, being fat is awful!!

I guess I need to hate being fat more than hate the work and pain of dropping the fat.

Also, the whole thing seems so huge and overwhelming. At this point, I weigh in at a whopping 270 pounds. Gag. That is how much I weighed with my last pregnancy! It has been a year since I had that baby. I should have lost at least 50 pounds by now. Instead, I'm at the same weight. I have lost ten pounds about three times, only to gain it back each time. [So, guess, in a weird, twisted way, I've "lost" 30 pounds....]

I wish I could take a pill and make it all go away. Go away, go away! Like a mean little bully on the playground, the darn fat sticks around no matter how much I despise it.

Lord, save me from myself!

give me that remote!

I find myself pausing on the fat battle. I took the remote and pressed pause.

Life is too busy right now; too complicated with many other issues that have pushed weight loss down on the priority list.

It feels good and bad to have paused weightloss. I feel relieved to not be worrying over it right now. But, I don't have the feeling of peace that "at least I'm doing something about this fat".

My plan is to go on full attack mode at the end of July. Life should be easing up a bit by then and I think I can bring weightloss up towards the top of my priority list again. My plan of attack is two fold. Weight Watchers for the food aspect and more YMCA challenges for the work out aspect. Good plan. We all know the hard part is not the plan. It is the work of putting the plan into motion.

We'll see. I'm keeping my fat fingers crossed.

tired

Is it too late to start over?

I bought "The Biggest Loser" book in hopes of it being my magic pill. We'll see. I'm also contemplating joining WW as a good boost into weightloss.

I'm tired. Tired of being fat. Fat and tired.

what does it take???

It amazes me to be so disgusted with my fat and yet to be so pathetic in my attempts to loose it. If I really and truly hated being fat as much as I say I do, wouldn't taking it off be my number one priority? [I mean after God, husband, and kids... so my number four priority??]

How can I hate something so deeply and yet not really be committed to doing anything about it?

But I am committed to doing something about it. Darn it. I am exercising dad-gum four to six times a week!! [you can see I have a real bad potty-mouth...] Doesn't that count for something?? Apparently not! Because, here I am, over six weeks into "the challenge" and only down 7 pounds! ARGH!! Darn it! Dad-gum! FIDDLESTICKS!!

Sigh. Yeah. Yeah. I know the drill. "Just keep it up." I know the positives... Here, let me recite them for you:

• my body is healthier even if it's not much smaller
• my body is re-shaping itself, although it's still very fat
• I have built muscle
• I have made a habit of exercising
• yadda, yadda, yadda

I am tired of being fat! What does it take around here to motivate a fat girl to take drastic measures to achieve weight loss??

Last night, I actually discussed some sort of surgery to get me some help in this area. I have never seriously considered this option. I have heard the failure rate for weight loss surgery is quite high. But, then again, ya know, only about 98% people who loose weight following a diet gain it back. Talk about a high failure rate!!

Argh. That's my crap unload for ya. Hope it didn't bring you down.

finally hearing and trying to regain momentum

Last week was hard. I felt in the dark. Like the world was whirling around me and I could faintly hear the Lord calling my name.

Even when I couldn't feel the Lord, I could hear him. Was I stopping to listen? No. You see, I was much too busy for that. And so I plodded along, weary and tired and overwhelmed.

I am stopping now. Stopping to listen. I am nothing apart from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I know, it sounds so cliche and cheesy, but it is truth. We are created to be in relationship with God. When we are not in that relationship or our relationship is weakened, we just don't "feel" right.

Eating.... eating could be better. My "free day" last week turned into a free week. Sigh. Huge sigh. Oh well. I still worked out at the YMCA, but I'm pretty sure I didn't loose any of this blasted weight. I didn't even have the heart to weigh in on Monday. I didn't want to see what I already knew.

Trying to get back on the momentum train of healthy living this week. I'm by-passing junk food and reaching for the good-for-me-food. Lord, give me strength!

playing the game....tag, you're it!

Alicia tagged me!! Yea!! I get to play along... Here goes:

Here's the rules: mention the person that tagged you. check!
Complete the lists of 8's. on it!
Tag 8 of your wonderful blogger friends. who do i want to tag??? mmm....
Go tell them you tagged them! here we go!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
1. weighing in on Monday
2. working out today [gasp! I can't believe I'm looking forward to that!]
3. the day when eating healthy comes naturally
4. the day when I can ride a real bike for ten miles
5. being able to wear a bikini and totally rock it out!
6. weighing less than 200 pounds
7. being an example of good health to my children

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. ate ten points more than my allotted amount
2. rode a freaking bike for ten miles
3. wrote down everything I ate [even when I knew I was eating too much]
4. planned out my cheat day [come on, Tuesday!]
5. blogged about being fat
6. wore a tank top that was a tad too small
7. realized my ankles are very chubby
8. wore a non-supportive bra to the YMCA... it was a very jiggly day....

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. create my own gym inside my home
2. work out every day with a kill-all trainer
3. look sexy when I work out
4. eat whatever I want and still be skinny
5. be perfect
6. have everybody like me
7. be on the computer all day without feeling guilty about neglecting my housework, husband and children
8. BE SKINNY


8 Shows I Watch:
1. American Idol
2. FRIENDS [yes, I watch the re-runs... I just can't get enough; it's my guilty pleasure]
3. Ace of Cakes [food network]
4. Extreme Cake Challenge
5. Joyce Meyers "Everyday Living"
6. TODAY Show
7. Lie to Me
8. Law and Order SVU

Look below to see who I tagged [in no particular order]:
[I am sure some of you have been tagged recently, but I had to add you to the list anyways. FYI I would have also tagged Alica and Serenity, my girls, but they have already played.]

Gracie
Jenn[ifer] {she's already been tagged by someone else; go read her list!}
April
Jessi Dawn
Aunt of 14 {she's already been tagged, too... but go read her list!}
SkinneMinnie
Lynne
Kim

my cheezy analogy and a little hoo-hoo

It is Day Four of living life on what I have dubbed "the healthy train". [Can you hear me blow the whistle? Hoo-hoo!]

I like the healthy train analogy. It gives me momentum. I'm on it and I'm not stopping off at the un-healthy eating station. Or the "I'm too tired to exercise" station. I am on the healthy train, headed towards a better life of health and wholeness.

Hoo-hoo! Watch out; I'm on the healthy train! Wanna jump on board? Let me hear ya; hoo-hoo!

[Yeah, yeah, it's a tad cheezy and maybe a little lame... but for this fat girl, some how, it helps me. What can I say?]

chocolate does not heal the sadness

I ate the last of the chocolate-topped rice krispie treats. And when I say "the last", I mean the last TEN pieces. Ten big pieces. And the last of my favorite Hershey mini bars. The frosted cookies and frosted mini-cupcakes don't matter to me. Let them sit on my counter, for all I care. But, chocolate? If it's in my house and I know about it... it is a loosing battle. The addiction still holds me.

Going another direction tonight [away from the chocolate binge]... I have a friend who does not want to really be my friend anymore. She once told me I could trust her. That she would be loyal to me. Over a year later, she has withdrawn her hand of deep, loyal friendship and now extends to me a hand of acquaintance. Deep sighs expel my discouragement. I miss my friend. I am hurt that my friend no longer wants an intimate relationship with me. I hate it that I let her in.

She is a huge advocate of Thin Within [the non-diet diet I was promoting on my blog a few months ago]. I have decided TW is not the all-answer I thought it was and have moved onto another plan of attack against my weight issues. My friend has not. She thinks if she can just get into TW enough; if she can just really have faith in God; if she can just......... blah, blah, blah.

I feel like our friendship is contingent on TW. Like she doesn't want to be my friend unless I am doing that specific diet plan. Isn't that weird? Here's the thing: TW says it is the only right way to loose weight. That all other ways are not pleasing to God. Now, I bought that for awhile. [Oh, I can just hear you all gasping!! It does sound awful when I put it that way, but, truly, that's what it says!] So, my friend thinks I am sinning by eating healthy [she would call it dieting] and exercising to loose weight. TW says you should just pray and ask God to help you loose weight. Apparently, our friendship exists only when I am following TW. Messed up, isn't?

And so my heart is sad. Sad to loose a friend. Sad that I have to be around her when I feel so mixed up inside. Sad that I let her into my heart and now must shut the door to it. Sad. Yep, that's me.

the fat girl's Easter outfit and my look towards "later"

"This is the body you have, get over it and make the best of it!"

Yeah, I had to tell myself this in the dressing room today. See, I'm singing at church tomorrow for Easter and found out Thursday night that there was a dress code. My usual blue jeans and semi-dressy top would not do for performing a Sunday special. Sigh. Off I went to the wonderful local Dress Barn. That place rocks!! They have sizes 4 to 24. I love the way they divide the store between "petites" [i.e. normal size] and "womens" [i.e. fat girls].

I, of course, go to the right side of the store, Fat Girl Land, to do my shopping. I must admit, I was very overwhelmed. I had this image in my mind I wanted to fulfill. I wanted to look classy, but not like my mother. Slim and not fat. Pretty, but not overdone. Sexy, but not trampy. It was quite the challenge.

I grabbed about a dozen tops and four bottoms before Nikki, the sales lady, offered me a dressing room. She could see I would be there awhile.

I went through all the tops. This one was too big. This one too small. That one too trashy. That one to maternal. Sigh. I was very discouraged. Out of the dressing room I whirled. I eyeballed the racks and racks of clothing. Wasn't there anything that would magically transform my fat hips and belly into a modelesque figure?

"Can I help you?" Nikki was back. I liked Nikki. She was fat like me. Older like my mom. I needed a girlfriend and I decided Nikki would have to do.

"I need an Easter outfit. No black. No red."

The outfit we landed on is perfect. It took several more tries. A discarded floral skirt that I would love on another body and a sexy top I'll save for later remained in the full dressing room. I walked out with brown dress up cropped pants and a white, button-up blouse. The blouse has amazing sleeves that I totally love. Oh, yes, plus I bought some brown shoes.

I won't be skinny in my new Easter outfit. This fat body of mine is my realty. No outfit will change that. So, I have to work with what I got. A rolly polly belly, big boobs, and very jiggly thighs. What I got for now. Key word: "now". I am totally looking forward to "later".

four things i like and one i don't

Instructor Mike's assignment:

Name four things you like about yourself. [Or if you don't like anything, name the four you dislike the least.] Second, name only ONE thing you want to change about yourself. [Yes, you must narrow it down to only ONE.]

Here goes.

Four things I like about myself. Oh, gosh, well, [blush-blush] I love my gorgeous curly hair. Everyone who knows me [in real life] always goes on and on about my curls. Oh, they're so beautiful. Tee-hee. OK. Next.

Number Two. Well......... Maybe my boobs. I mean, not everyone can have boobs as big as mine. I don't know if I would have picked out ginormous boobs if I was the one picking out boobs, but since those are the ones I got... well, I'd rather have humongo boobs than no boobs at all. So. Number Two: my boobs.

Number Three. My teeth. I have nice teeth, what can I say? They are naturally straight and only slightly off white. Not bad for a girl whose parent rarely afforded dental care. Not bad at all.

And last, but not least... I guess I like my pinkie toe. Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha. OK. For real. [Wow, four things. This is harder than I thought... what else? what else?? Could I say I like my uterus? I mean, it has carried four babies and that totally rocks, right? No, I don't think that counts. It has to be something on the outside... think, think...] OK. Got it. My eyes. I do get compliments on my eyes. Seriously. They are rather pretty. [Can you see me? I'm batting my eyes at you right now. Bat. Bat.]

Now for the easy part. What I don't like. Narrowing the list. Narrowing... Ah-ha! My top "don't like feature" would have to be my stomach. Ick. Yuck. Gross. And Ick again.

Instructor Mike insists we now make an action plan to fix the one thing we don't like [the most] about ourselves. He says, "Now that we know you don't like your ____, it's time to get off your butt and do something about it!" Yeah, yeah.

OK. So, Flabby Belly, we're onto YOU!! Here's the plan of attack. Keep going to the YMCA. I'm going to start doing daily abs work outs. [Even as I write that... I'm not sure I'll really do that... but it's a good idea.] I am not even, necessarily, going for flat abs. Just less flabby ones. Really.

OK. Did Instructor Mike's weekly assignment. Check that off the "to-do" list.

MIA and the coming challenge

Hey guys, I know I've been MIA lately, and I'm sorry. I am so crazy busy with family stuff I don't have time for the guilty pleasure of blogging. Sigh.

My challenge starts on Monday. I am SO nervous and scared. But, I'm excited, too!!

My sister is joining me on my adventure. I think it's awesome she wants to do this with me. My we both find life time success.

Speaking of that.... have you heard the stat that 95% of dieters REGAIN their weight? I hate that stat. Makes me feel like I shouldn't even try. But, I am going to keep on anyway!! Darn it; I'm going to be that FIVE PERCENT who stays skinny!!

titles of the missing posts... have time for titles, but not posts...

Yeah, thanks, I'm "fine", Serenity. Thanks for asking. You're sweet.

I have had several urges to post, but my many children have kept me away from computer/reflection time. Here's some titles of the missed-and-may-never-be-written-posts....

"I Hate My Body"

"I Worked Out at the YMCA Today"

"I Could Only Think About How Huge My Stomach Was During Sex With My Husband"

"I Am Terrified I Will Be Fat Forever"

"What's The Point?"

"Is the Thin Within Approach Right For Me?"

Yadda, yadda. So, see, while I might not have been "here", per say, I have still been thinking about all of you. Perhaps I will get a minute to sit down this weekend and share more than my titles. Until then... ya'll be good. Whatever that means.

the up-chuck option

After a week of the stomach bug floating around my house, I have given cause to consider bulimia as an option for weightloss. Now, I've been a fat girl for atleast 10 years and this is not the first time I consider vomiting as a weightloss tool. In my weakest and most desperate moments, I have even tried to gag myself.

I am not really into throw up, though. It is gross. Plus, my gagging efforts [years and years ago] were to no avail. I ended that session just sitting by the toilet crying over my food addiction. Since then, God, in his mercy, continues to show me the light at the end of the tunnel. Bulimia is not the answer. There is no freedom there; only more bondage.

And, truly, a week watching my kids throw up, cleaning puke off endless sheets, bathing the toddler at midnight, and then vomiting myself after a night of intense stomach aches... really doesn't make me want to jump on board the bulimia boat.

OK. So, I just read over my post and it's kind of gross. Sorry about that....

Here's something that frosts my cookies, though: Why is it that insurance will pay for treatments of bulimia and anorexia, but not overeating. I need help, too!! Basically, right now, I am treating my eating disorder with counseling. Reading the Thin Within material, is like self-counseling sessions. Well, counseling sessions with God... If I may be so forward. Also, several of my friends around here in fat girl land are reading the book, too. We are praying with each other and encouraging each other. That is muy importante.

Anywho. Cool to see 35 Followers down there. Feeling very followed. :)