easily distracted

Today is a good day. Today, I feel on top of it. Of what, you ask? Of food addiction. Of overeating. My problem. Whatever you name it, it is what it is.

But what about tomorrow? What will that be like? I cannot promise you that tomorrow I won't binge on chocolate and chips and cheese. I might. It still calls my name. Heck, it yells my name. Screaming to me...

I'm not crazy.

Food is my drug of choice. Some people smoke. Some people drink. I eat.

Kim makes a good point here about keeping your eyes on Christ. Yeah, yeah, I know, must I bring religion into it? Well, yes, I must. You see, I'm working through a 12 step program [I'm serious about being free from food addiction!!] and I do admit there is a higher power.

Anyway. Keeping my eyes on Christ. When I start worrying too much about my problem, it gets worse. When I start focusing on eating the exactly correct kind of food, I want to eat it all. When I get tunnel vision about how fat I am and cry about being overweight, the emotions overwhelm me. BUT!!! When I "seek first the kingdom", suddenly it all seems lighter. The burden of food addiction eases.

Freedom from food addiction does not come from ME. It only comes from Christ. Thus, I fix my eyes on Him, the author and perfecter of my faith.

But, I'm so fat!! Waaaaaaa!!!!!

See how easy it is to be distracted!!

Focus on God! Focus on God!

hoping to not die

You're right, Katster. Thanks for commenting on my blog and keeping it real for this obese girl. If I keep marching along, without making any changes, I will die. As you so eloquently put it.

Every fat girl needs to be reminded by a stranger that she is eating awful foods. Food that kills her. The sad thing is, I already know that!! I am addicted. That's what I keep saying. A.D.D.I.C.T.E.D.

BUT GOD! Psalm 30:2-3 says "O Lord my God, I cried to you for help and you restored my health. You brought me up from the grave, O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death."

Back in January, God brought this verse to my mind. I am desperately seeking His face, remember? I need him. Like a baby needs its mother, I need Him. Like a ship needs its rudder, I need him. Like an addict needs its deliver, I NEED HIM. I believe if I keep following him and seeking him for freedom (like the Thin Within program teaches), God can and will be faithful to save me from the death I so deserve.

I do not want to replace my addiction to food with low-fat or sugar free food. I do not want to replace it with water. Or fruit. Or exercise. I want to replace food addiction with a fulfilling relationship between me and my Creator. This is my deepest desire. To truly not be hungry again.

"I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again." John 6:35a
I'm coming, Lord! I'm coming!!

this time i said no

Little by little, He is changing me. I do find myself impatient. Might as well be tapping my foot. Come on, change me, Lord!!

He is. Changing me, I mean.

One of my points of weakness is continual snacking throughout the day. And by that I mean I grab a bit of food every time I pass through the kitchen. Especially if there is something sweet. Every time I go into the kitchen, bite of food. Every time I walk through the kitchen to get to another area of the house, bite of food. While I'm cooking dinner, lots of bites of food. Get it?

Anyway. I realized this was a weakness and began to surrender this area to God. Part of the Thin Within program is to strive to only eat when you are hungry. So, snatching food simply because I am in the vicinity of food... Is not conclusive to only eating when hungry.

[Just to put this from another angle to get a stronger perspective... let's imagine an alcoholic. Someone dependent on alcohol to get through his day. Can you see him swiping swings of his poison all day? Ah, yes. See. My food has become an addiction just like the alcoholic's liquor.]

Yesterday, there were rice krispy treats (frosted with chocolate, of course) sitting on my counter. I spent the first few hours of the day, snitching bites. My "norm". Then God whispered to me. A gentle reminder of my convictions and my desire for freedom. I put a lid on the goodies (literally) and hid them away in the cabinet. Then I left the kitchen. I did not return to the kitchen without a specific mission. And I rested on the strength of the Lord to accomplish each little mission without snitching a bite of the treat.

I am excited about this little victory. For me, a food addicted woman, this is huge. We are making progress.

the most incredible replacement for food

For what it is worth, I need to share what I have replaced with food. Alica (who I totally support and encourage!!) suggested I substitute my love affair with food by turning to gum. Or water. Or (the best option by all appearances-literally) to exercise. But, here is the problem with that wonderful (and very WW suggestion)... Gum, water and exercise do not "do it" for me. Gum can never replace chocolate. I love chocolate. I hate it that I love chocolate, but I do. What, in the world, can truly fill me up the way food fills me up???

The other day, I totally binged. I ate and ate and ate. I ate whatever I could find. I ate the rest of the leftovers from dinner. I ate a candy bar. I ate the rest of the ice cream. I sat in my rocking chair, watching nothingness on TV and stuffed my face. Finally, the night was dark enough and I took my aching belly upstairs for a shower before bed. As I climbed the stairs, I felt so empty. Ironically, I felt empty. Even with a belly stuffed full of my companion, food. How could this be??

I put this to you: I felt empty because I am trying to fill a void with food. A void that was never meant to be filled with anything but God. Sigh. [I know I just lost a lot of you with that one.. But, please stick with me.] I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am in relationship with my Savior who, miraculously, is also my friend. Through reading a book called, Thin Within, I have learned that the reason I overeat is because I have a deep hunger inside. A hunger that screams to be filled. Since I was a girl, I have been attempting to satisfy this hunger with food. It does not work. That is why we can eat and eat and still feel so empty inside.

This past month, I have been turning to God for freedom from this food addiction. It sounds so extreme and unbelievable, but I am desperate for freedom!! I am tired of being a slave to food. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of being hungry. In my desperation, I have taken my deepest desire to Jesus Christ. He says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." (John 6:35)

I hope you keep following my journey. Watch and see. May I be a beautiful example of the freedom Jesus Christ offers out to all of us. Learn more at the Thin Within's website.

addicted to addictions

I am encouraged by my three followers. I really thought no one would care. I mean, aren't we all fighting the same things?

On that note: who doesn't have an addiction? I mean, let's get real here. We ALL are addicted to something. We all use something to cope. Smoking, drugs, drinking, sex, music, running, sleeping, television, etc. Whatever we do to make ourselves feel better. My problem is that MY addiction shows up on the outside. AND society does not accept fat people. Smokers? OH yeah, they're so cool. All the movie stars do it. Drunks? Parties? At least they all look good in the midst of their addictions. But, rest assured, I have no doubt that they hate their addiction the way I hate mine.

I do wish I was addicted to running as opposed to eating. At least I'd be skinny. Sigh. It truly is unfair.