a fellow recovering addict

It is hard to be honest. People comment on my honesty. I try.

I have found another raw and honest blogger. Serenity over at Two Sides has a rough edge to her writings that cut to the heart. She draws me in every time I head to her blog. The first sentence is like a lure and I can't turn away until I finish her post.

She has a different addiction than me; but we get each other. I can tell. She feels like a friend, even though I have never met her. Go read her blog and let me know what you think. And let Serenity know what you think.

Good night, gals.

from fat generation to fat generation; but the fat stops here

My mother is fat. Hugely fat. I think she weighs around 350 pounds or so. Maybe more. While I take responsibility for the choices that brought me to my weight problem, I certainly learned my coping mechanisms honestly.

I have many memories of watching my mother turn to food for comfort. One time she came home upset. I do not know what it was that really brought on her emotional crisis, but I will never forget what she did. I saw her staring at the fridge. Heaping her plate full of food. Celery. Chips. She was crying. Her plate was two, three inches high. She lumbered out of the kitchen, tears streaming from her face, and sat on the couch. I watched her eat the plate full of food while she cried. This is my most vivid memory of my mother's food addiction.

Of my mother's children, three out of the five of us are fat. Ironically enough, it is the three daughters that are overweight, not the two skinny sons. Isn't that interesting..... And now I am a mother of daughters and sons. My heart aches with the heaviness of my desire to not leave them with the same legacy my mother has left to me.

I remember my first binge in front of my kids. Actually, the first time was in front of my oldest. He was just a baby. He laid in the floor while I ate cookie after chocolate chip cookie. He studied his mother while she stuffed her face. I remember thinking, "He won't remember this... I won't ever do this again; it's the last time."

Sigh. Oh, that's heavy to me. And a scripture now pops into my mind. "There is now NO CONDEMNATION to those who are in Christ Jesus." I take that truth into my heart now. Father, forgive me for setting a bad example to my children, thus far. Thank you for the freedom you hold out to me and are saturating my life with right now. Thank you that my children WILL BE FREE, in the name of Jesus. That this addictions stops HERE, with ME. It is not allowed to drift down the line from this point forward. In the name of the mighty Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Now go have a great, FREE day!

moving past the weight gain

I have done some soul searching the past few days. I have come up with the following truths:

1) [As you all have been so sweet to remind me] I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have realized that I do not believe that as I look in the mirror. I saw He's Just Not That Into You last night at the theatre. The love scene between two characters reminded me of the early days with my husband. While incredibly inappropriate and not what a Christian woman should be viewing.... it made me long for the days when I willing gave in to my husband's advances. When I felt beautiful and sexy and just let myself go during our love making. Whether I want to admit it or not.... my self esteem is limiting our sex life. He kisses me and touches me and my thoughts disrupt the romance. Sometimes, all I can think about is how fat I am... how can he love me? How can he want me? Does he wish I were different and how could he NOT wish I were different??? So..... obviously, this is an area I need to seek the Lord for freedom. I want to fully accept me, where I'm at, right now. This is my reality, flabby belly and all. I want to love me.

My darling does love me; he tells me all the time. He promises that he does not mind the rolls of fat; even says he loves exactly how I am. It is incredibly hard to trust that he is telling me the truth. [This may be TMI, but you don't know who I am anyway. So, it's OK, right?]

2) I also realized that I was adapting the TW program to my own. I was picking and choosing which aspects of the guidelines to follow, dismissing the ones I saw as unnecessary. Gaining weight this past month shows me that I need to commit more fully to the TW program.

3) Also, several of you supportive followers reminded me that it is not just about loosing weight; but also about my relationship with God. I have found another measure of freedom this past month. I have learned how to go through out my day without grazing all day long. That is a huge accomplishment! Now, I am applying that victory towards not eating in the evenings. I know I can do that, because God has helped me quite the unnecessary snacking through out the day.

4) Plus, I learned I need to eat healthier foods. TW says to eat whatever you want... but, I think I was taking that too far. I was eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for snack. Nutritionally, that's way too many calories. While there is "freedom" to eat whatever, I don't think it's the best for me. So, I am committing to saving the cake and other sweets for dessert. [Duh! Only a fat girl would need to be reminded of that!] No more sweets for a meal; only food that will bless my body.

There are other revelations that I'll share as time goes by, but I think this is enough for now. Thank you, all of you, for you support and encouragement. I move on, holding the hand of the Lord God Almighty. Deep breath... here we go.

i'm darn fine, thanks

It is not true that my pants are looser. Not true that my bra fits better. Not true that my clothes are looking better on me. It has all been the effects of my great imagination and not my great weightloss.

Around 3am the toddler was up with her mommy, so I decided to go ahead and "weigh in". After all it was my self-imposed weigh-in date (March 1st), and three hours into the weigh-in date certainly counted as "the date". So, with the door closed, I dug out the scales from under the bathroom sink. Plopped them on the floor and stepped on the black judgement box. I wondered how much would I loose? Might I just stay the same? Well, that would be OK, too.

Since I can't see the scales while I'm standing on them due to my huge stomach and mega boobs, I just stared in the mirror while the scales judged me. After waiting the required 20 seconds [or so], I gingerly stepped off the scales. I about threw up then and there when I read the numbers 265. I weighed 257 on February 1st. I have gained seven pounds. GAINED.

Needless to say, I feel ..... lost today. I'm going to church feeling empty and full of anguish. Not just because of the weight gain, but because I do not like myself right now. And I am unsure as to where to go from here. Not that this is a different feeling for me; unfortunately, it is quite familiar.

"Hi YOU! How are you today?" they will ask me sweetly upon arriving at church.

Of course, I will smile fakely and reply, "Oh I'm FINE. Thanks. And you?"

And so the exchange will go. [Or, perhaps I should answer truthfully today. "I'm awful, thanks for asking. And how are you?????"]