deep in the thougths of an exercising fat gal

I had my first "aerobic/cardio" workout Friday night. Led by an incredibly skinny woman who was nauseously excited about exercise. These are the thoughts that ran through my mind during the tortuous one hour work out. Are you ready for this?

***

Am I the biggest one in here??

No, thank God, no. She's bigger.

That instructor's butt is so tiny. How did I end up right behind her?? Now everyone will see me when they are watching her...

Oh my word. There are mirrors everywhere. A wall full of mirrors?? Great. Just great.

So that's how I really look.

Yuck.

My stomach is even huger than I thought.

My head is so tiny compared to my body.

Yuck.

Yuck, look at the way my belly scrunches up when I raise my legs up. Ick. Hope no one else is looking at me.

Good thing I'm here; I obviously need to be.

PAINFUL! Muscles are screaming.

It's only been FIFTEEN MINUTES??

Why am I smiling?

Richard Simmons "Sweatin to the Oldies" flashbacks...

Do what?

Um, how do I get my body to bend like that?

Wow. I did not know I would sweat... there.

I....can't...........do..........it................

Don't cry, don't you dare cry.

Just walk out, Fat Girl, just walk out.

I can't quit. I won't.

Don't cry. Just do your best.

We're done? We're done!! I did it!! One hour of fat torturing, muscle inspiring exercise. I did it.

a goal for the fat girl [who is rocking the challenge]

The Challenge is ON!

It was incredibly scary to walk into the room Monday evening. But as soon as I walked in and saw the other wonderful fat people, I felt myself relaxing. They were nervous, just like me. They were fat, just like me. Well, most of them. I was a little surprised to see several skinny women. Goes to show you that even the skinny girls want to improve their body, too.

Last night was my first Challenge work out with the trainer. It was so fun, you guys!! I'm shocked at how much fun I had with the other women. I was the crazy one, cheering when it was time to stretch... Yep, that was ME. Hee-hee.

There are probably about 45 women and 5 men in the challenge. There will be a female winner and a male winner. I probably won't win. I heard some women talking about how they plan to work out two to three time A DAY! Um, I will not be able to do that. Plus, I want this to be a realistic part of my life. I have four kids. There is no way I will be working out three times a day. Heck, I will be doing phenomenal to work out ONCE A DAY! So, that is my goal. I want to do some sort of cardio work out six times a week. Sundays will be my day off.

My other goal is... deep breath here... to loose 29 pounds by the end of the Challenge. I weighed in [on the YMCA scales] at 269 pounds. [Although my home scales showed me at 266 pounds. But, whatever. We'll follow the YMCA scales through out this challenge and then revert back to my scales after the ten weeks are up.] Ten weeks to loose 29 pounds; I wan to weight 240 by the first week in June. That's roughly 3 pounds a week. I can do it!

off with TW and on with the challenge

It begins. Tonight is the beginning of The Challenge. Wow. Why does it make me so nervous? You know how many times I have "started over"? Oh, way too many. And here we are, again.

I have spent the past week binging on the "no-no list" of foods. Not that we've been given a list of foods. Yet. I am assuming we'll receive nutrition info at the meeting tonight. I have enjoyed bon-bons, brownies, shakes, pizza, burgers, fries, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Oh, did I mention chocolate?

My cheer leading for Thin Within program has dwindled down to nothingness. I don't want to discourage anyone taking that approach, but.... I have a few things I just disagree with. I'll leave it at that. To each his own. You do what you want to do; I'll do it the way I want to do. Okay-doke?

Off I go. [I know you'll all be anxious to read how things went... I'll try to get with it and post sometime soon....-ish.]

PS Thanks for your amazing support. So great of you all.

MIA and the coming challenge

Hey guys, I know I've been MIA lately, and I'm sorry. I am so crazy busy with family stuff I don't have time for the guilty pleasure of blogging. Sigh.

My challenge starts on Monday. I am SO nervous and scared. But, I'm excited, too!!

My sister is joining me on my adventure. I think it's awesome she wants to do this with me. My we both find life time success.

Speaking of that.... have you heard the stat that 95% of dieters REGAIN their weight? I hate that stat. Makes me feel like I shouldn't even try. But, I am going to keep on anyway!! Darn it; I'm going to be that FIVE PERCENT who stays skinny!!

not me monday

It's Not Me Monday over at MckMama's Blog. Where the truth is skewed into a wondrous list of what I really did NOT do this week.

FAT GIRL CONFESSIONS

It was not me who totally signed up for the YMCA "Lose to Win" Weightloss Challenge!! I did not interrogate the trim personal trainer named Mike before enlisting in the program. It was not me who point blank asked "will there be people... um, my size in the program?"

It was not me who actually enjoyed her morning work out this AM with the handsome hubby. I did not peddle "three miles" on the stationary bike and then head to the treadmill for another 15 minutes of workout. Everyone knows us fat girls don't' work out.

It was not me who won't buy more clothes in this yucky, huge size because I want to wait until I loose weight to buy more clothes. I wouldn't' do that. I'm a realist.

It is not me considered never eating again after continuous evenings of binging. I did not tell myself that I hate food. I did not wish that I was actually addicted to drugs instead of to food so that I could just quit cold turkey. It was not me who wished I could just quit food like an addicted quits drugs. I was not jealous of drug addicts. How insane would that be?

***
That's it, guys. Now you know my insane thoughts. Scary, huh?

the fat girl challenge

I'm really having issues with the Thin Within program. The weight is just not coming off [quick enough]. I agree that I need to find healing; to find the "real" reasons why I overeat. I know that is truth. But I really want to do more in the "physical", so to speak, while I work on the "spiritual/emotional" side.

Speaking of the Y... They are doing this "Lose to Win" thing. I've been thinking about joining the challenge. Oh, it scares me to death. To think of putting myself out there for the world to see. OK, just for the YMCA world to see, but still. What if I'm the biggest person there? What if the rest of the "overweight" bunch are those who are trying to loose the "last ten pounds"? I guess, I'd win the contest. But, still. STILL!

The deadline to join the challenge is March 23rd. It costs $65. We could afford it, if we wanted to afford it. The details are vague. The flyer states that there are "prizes, incentives, meal ideas, nutrition tips, group meetings, etc." Big sigh from the fat girl.

What do you think? Oh, I know what you're going to say. You guys are all on the same note. "YOU CAN DO IT, FAT GIRL!" The fat girls smiles. Thanks, guys. Your positive comments are, well positively encouraging.

the fat girl works it out

OK. So, let's see how well I write with a baby on my lap. Here goes.

I hadn't been in the Y since August. We bought the membership January 2008. I was not intentionally one of the throngs of New Years Resolutioners. I joined because I needed moments of sanity in the midst of my mothering and I hoped the Y [with its childcare offer] would give that to me. It did. I loved it. Then I got pregnant and felt like crap. Working out became yucky and I quit. Also I grew weary of bundling up three kids, dragging them to the Y, unloading them, walking slowly into the building, signing them in... etc, etc, etc. Any excuse would do, those were the ones I held up as my "why I don't go" banner.

Then, on Monday, Hubby asked if I would go work out with him at the man gym [a.k.a. the base gym]. I tried to be polite as I scoffed, "what? work out at the gym where it's 98% buff men? I'm sorry, Honey, but no." The next day I asked about working out at the Y instead. He checked with his supervisor and that's how we ended up at the Y. At six am.

Anyway. I walked. Thirty minutes. It felt good. I did get bored after the first 15 minutes or so had to use creative thinking to make it through. Hubby wanted me to lift weights with him. I couldn't. I used to do that. Sixty pounds ago. He so wanted me to. All I could think about was how fat I am. How it would look to see this rolly-polly, fat, ugly body lifting weights. The athletic looking men crunching away didn't help. What if they think I'm fat? Wait, I am fat. But, I couldn't stand the thought of them secretly making fun of me. So, Hubby lifted weights alone. I loitered in the lobby. Chatted with Skinny Secretary. Read the bulletin board. Debated on joining the 5k. Ha.

OK. So, there's a solid post. Baby is fussing now. Must go. Bye.

titles of the missing posts... have time for titles, but not posts...

Yeah, thanks, I'm "fine", Serenity. Thanks for asking. You're sweet.

I have had several urges to post, but my many children have kept me away from computer/reflection time. Here's some titles of the missed-and-may-never-be-written-posts....

"I Hate My Body"

"I Worked Out at the YMCA Today"

"I Could Only Think About How Huge My Stomach Was During Sex With My Husband"

"I Am Terrified I Will Be Fat Forever"

"What's The Point?"

"Is the Thin Within Approach Right For Me?"

Yadda, yadda. So, see, while I might not have been "here", per say, I have still been thinking about all of you. Perhaps I will get a minute to sit down this weekend and share more than my titles. Until then... ya'll be good. Whatever that means.

not me monday

Monday, monday. Another round of Not Me! Monday thanks to the wild and crazy MckMama. Check it out here.

FAT GIRL CONFESSIONS

It was not me who bought two boxes of Girl Scout cookies, knowing my ability to consume the entire contents of said boxes. Not me.

It was not me who gained seven pounds last month. Not me who was in denial the whole month of February, convincing myself that my pants were looser... Wish it really was NOT ME.

It is not me who thinks about food while brushing her teeth at the end of the day. Not me who has to come to the sad realization that I won't be eating any more today. Wouldn't that be weird? Who does that??

It is not me who sadistically watches the infomercials of skinny girls with great abs. It is not me who snarls slightly while they jump pleasantly around the TV. Not me who simultaneously wants to be them and wants to kill them at the same time. Well, not kill them. That's too harsh. Perhaps just wish a twenty pound weight gain on them... Or not. Hee hee.

it hurt to fall off the wagon today

I fell of the wagon today. I lost my "care" and threw it all away. I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted... You know, it really just started around 2pm. What happened?? I have been searching inside myself asking what flipped the switch today.

Yesterday was a hard day. I found out that a sweet young girl's husband left her a month ago. Out of the blue. He spent two tours in Iraq and has been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One month ago, my little friend came home to find her husband's things gone. She doesn't know where he is or what he is doing. He has called her twice. He says he still loves her but is afraid he will hurt her.

She told me this at another friend's baby shower. I was bowled over. Numb feeling. It rocked me inside and made me feel sick. Made me want to run home to my husband and feel his arms around me.

Perhaps this sadness swirled around and pushed me over to the food bar. I don't know.

I get Alicia over at her 2009 Weightloss Journey. I get being tired of the fat. I want it to magically disappear, too.

But it won't if I keep eating like I did from 2pm to 10pm today. Humongous SIGH. Did you hear it?

a fellow recovering addict

It is hard to be honest. People comment on my honesty. I try.

I have found another raw and honest blogger. Serenity over at Two Sides has a rough edge to her writings that cut to the heart. She draws me in every time I head to her blog. The first sentence is like a lure and I can't turn away until I finish her post.

She has a different addiction than me; but we get each other. I can tell. She feels like a friend, even though I have never met her. Go read her blog and let me know what you think. And let Serenity know what you think.

Good night, gals.

from fat generation to fat generation; but the fat stops here

My mother is fat. Hugely fat. I think she weighs around 350 pounds or so. Maybe more. While I take responsibility for the choices that brought me to my weight problem, I certainly learned my coping mechanisms honestly.

I have many memories of watching my mother turn to food for comfort. One time she came home upset. I do not know what it was that really brought on her emotional crisis, but I will never forget what she did. I saw her staring at the fridge. Heaping her plate full of food. Celery. Chips. She was crying. Her plate was two, three inches high. She lumbered out of the kitchen, tears streaming from her face, and sat on the couch. I watched her eat the plate full of food while she cried. This is my most vivid memory of my mother's food addiction.

Of my mother's children, three out of the five of us are fat. Ironically enough, it is the three daughters that are overweight, not the two skinny sons. Isn't that interesting..... And now I am a mother of daughters and sons. My heart aches with the heaviness of my desire to not leave them with the same legacy my mother has left to me.

I remember my first binge in front of my kids. Actually, the first time was in front of my oldest. He was just a baby. He laid in the floor while I ate cookie after chocolate chip cookie. He studied his mother while she stuffed her face. I remember thinking, "He won't remember this... I won't ever do this again; it's the last time."

Sigh. Oh, that's heavy to me. And a scripture now pops into my mind. "There is now NO CONDEMNATION to those who are in Christ Jesus." I take that truth into my heart now. Father, forgive me for setting a bad example to my children, thus far. Thank you for the freedom you hold out to me and are saturating my life with right now. Thank you that my children WILL BE FREE, in the name of Jesus. That this addictions stops HERE, with ME. It is not allowed to drift down the line from this point forward. In the name of the mighty Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Now go have a great, FREE day!

moving past the weight gain

I have done some soul searching the past few days. I have come up with the following truths:

1) [As you all have been so sweet to remind me] I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I have realized that I do not believe that as I look in the mirror. I saw He's Just Not That Into You last night at the theatre. The love scene between two characters reminded me of the early days with my husband. While incredibly inappropriate and not what a Christian woman should be viewing.... it made me long for the days when I willing gave in to my husband's advances. When I felt beautiful and sexy and just let myself go during our love making. Whether I want to admit it or not.... my self esteem is limiting our sex life. He kisses me and touches me and my thoughts disrupt the romance. Sometimes, all I can think about is how fat I am... how can he love me? How can he want me? Does he wish I were different and how could he NOT wish I were different??? So..... obviously, this is an area I need to seek the Lord for freedom. I want to fully accept me, where I'm at, right now. This is my reality, flabby belly and all. I want to love me.

My darling does love me; he tells me all the time. He promises that he does not mind the rolls of fat; even says he loves exactly how I am. It is incredibly hard to trust that he is telling me the truth. [This may be TMI, but you don't know who I am anyway. So, it's OK, right?]

2) I also realized that I was adapting the TW program to my own. I was picking and choosing which aspects of the guidelines to follow, dismissing the ones I saw as unnecessary. Gaining weight this past month shows me that I need to commit more fully to the TW program.

3) Also, several of you supportive followers reminded me that it is not just about loosing weight; but also about my relationship with God. I have found another measure of freedom this past month. I have learned how to go through out my day without grazing all day long. That is a huge accomplishment! Now, I am applying that victory towards not eating in the evenings. I know I can do that, because God has helped me quite the unnecessary snacking through out the day.

4) Plus, I learned I need to eat healthier foods. TW says to eat whatever you want... but, I think I was taking that too far. I was eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for snack. Nutritionally, that's way too many calories. While there is "freedom" to eat whatever, I don't think it's the best for me. So, I am committing to saving the cake and other sweets for dessert. [Duh! Only a fat girl would need to be reminded of that!] No more sweets for a meal; only food that will bless my body.

There are other revelations that I'll share as time goes by, but I think this is enough for now. Thank you, all of you, for you support and encouragement. I move on, holding the hand of the Lord God Almighty. Deep breath... here we go.

i'm darn fine, thanks

It is not true that my pants are looser. Not true that my bra fits better. Not true that my clothes are looking better on me. It has all been the effects of my great imagination and not my great weightloss.

Around 3am the toddler was up with her mommy, so I decided to go ahead and "weigh in". After all it was my self-imposed weigh-in date (March 1st), and three hours into the weigh-in date certainly counted as "the date". So, with the door closed, I dug out the scales from under the bathroom sink. Plopped them on the floor and stepped on the black judgement box. I wondered how much would I loose? Might I just stay the same? Well, that would be OK, too.

Since I can't see the scales while I'm standing on them due to my huge stomach and mega boobs, I just stared in the mirror while the scales judged me. After waiting the required 20 seconds [or so], I gingerly stepped off the scales. I about threw up then and there when I read the numbers 265. I weighed 257 on February 1st. I have gained seven pounds. GAINED.

Needless to say, I feel ..... lost today. I'm going to church feeling empty and full of anguish. Not just because of the weight gain, but because I do not like myself right now. And I am unsure as to where to go from here. Not that this is a different feeling for me; unfortunately, it is quite familiar.

"Hi YOU! How are you today?" they will ask me sweetly upon arriving at church.

Of course, I will smile fakely and reply, "Oh I'm FINE. Thanks. And you?"

And so the exchange will go. [Or, perhaps I should answer truthfully today. "I'm awful, thanks for asking. And how are you?????"]